Cross My Borders

Thank you all for heart warming and thoughtful comments.
You are all so wonderful and I hope I can give the support back to you whenever you need it too.

Bf and I don't abstain from sex, however, due to fights and my own manic need to
control him, it's been absent in our relationship lately.
Not even V-day changed it and I think after his drunken mistake he doesn't dare asking for it.
We are not stable.
When we're good we're untouchable but when we're bad we're two negatively charged ions. Think atomic-bomb.

I sometimes forget that inside the grown up man is a tiny defiant boy, who witnessed physical abuse and have divorced parents. Sometimes, I blame him for not acting like an adult. 13 years younger and I'm still the emotional responsible one. Yet, I have my own flaws but it seems like I am the emotional broker who takes care of all the emotional aspects of our relationship.
The talking - The negotiating - The comprimising - The coaxes to talk about feelings - The crying (no more - I seem to be unable to cry for us at this point).

We're getting better these days. But 2 days ago, I was so sure that this was the end. I had hit my limit.
And the binging got worse, worse and worse.
2 packages of Agedashi Tofu, 8 pc Cali-roll, Vegetable Croquette, 3 muffins, 2 * 0,5 l of ice cream, 8 shrimp dumplings.
- The list goes on. And I don't purge.

5 Weeks to Japan. I'm still gonna be fat. I know I can make it better and turn it around, start working out and stop eating the crappy food, so why don't I just do that? What's my problem?

Next week Bf is going to Washington and I'm doing a 3 day fast.

Enough, I need to start my day.
Today, I feel borderline - Either I stop with the madness today or I have one more day binging...and then another and another. And it's not even good food, it's whatever I can get my hands on or make at home. I can feel the battle going on inside of me. I don't know the outcome yet. It all depends.

Much love to all of you.
You're strong and you too have to deal with bad stuff  in your lives.
You are my heroes.