Even therapy needs a break...

Yeah, weekend was so so...we are back at each others throats. That happens about 1 time each week.
I'd like to think that it is healthy, but I am not so sure. . . .

Today I have a weigh in...it hasn't gone well. I didn't do any exercise and I've had a constant headsache
for the last 3 days. Today, I think it's better.
I make excuses all the time. In my head, the math and equation is so simple to get back in shape.
In reality, not so much.

To be cont'd

The Day That was Lost

May I laugh some more?
Fail.

My discipline is not really what it used to be. Change of priorities?
But I still have a good feeling for the weekend to start this thing again in a serious manner ...
I always do better with food when he is around me, but on the other hand, I still crave MORE
than what I am suppose to eat, when he is eating next to me. Like I want to have more, but I know I'm not suppose to. It is tricky.

He is up and doing sports. I am stuck here, had breakfast and gonna do some stretching.
There is an important event coming up in December and I, like everyone else, want to look good.
But most importantly, I want to FEEL comfortable.

I am so sleepy. This alone contributes to the fact that I eat too much becuase I need to get energy somehow.
Rapid energy and energy comes from ... tadaaa, calories.
I did my first measuring and weigh-in on the 19th of Oct. It was a horrible feeling but I can deal. Just let me see those numbers go down and I can deal with it.

Happy weekend

Two Umatching Socks

That's me and my life right now. I am the red sock and my life is the blue.
I am blue and life is red.

Before I came here, to this country, working out was effortless; Get up, get out, work out, start the day.
It was always the same. Maybe, maybe that is what I need? No time to think.
I get the advice from my loved one, over and over again, that I should work out whenever I come home,
but I am not motivated then. By then, all of the realness of life has beat me down already...
And all I crave is Ice-cream.
I'm thinking that I should wake up earlier and go running. I am not a morning person but if I work out in the mornings I don't have time to think that I don't want to do it. I just do it! At least, that's how it used to be before I moved. Maybe I should try? In 4 months it will be impossible, because of changing schedules.

Today is grocery shopping day. I need to buy food, so we both can live. He doesn't care, I care.
I will get the usual, fruit, veggies, but I have a hard time resisting to put "other" things in the cart as well.
Especially when I am alone, when he is with me, I don't...I am good.
He loves me no matter what, I know that, but I don't love myself...it is difficult.

There is no fasting today but I need to eat smaller portions and I really SHOULD work out.
I made veggie soup yesterday, enough to feed a whole city probably. Tofu, peppers, onions, tomato, mushroom, boullion, not horrible in nutrition, but probably too salty.

Ah, today I will buy tons of lemons. Lemons are good, but I don't like them.


Alright...FAIL! Haha. Almost funny. But not really. 
2 loafs of french bread with an insane amount of butter
4 Slices of Cheesecake
2 Yogurts and some cereal
A bowl of salad, including sun dried tomatoes and half an avocado
2 banana-muffin

A Complicated Start

It's difficult to wake up in the morning. Even more so when I feel like a cow becuase I am bloated from
over eating last night. But, the bananas with syrup was really yummy...and deadly.
I am afraid I will get diabetes, I am still young and if I get it it's a failure on my part.

Having my morning coffee now. Black, they way I like it - without cream and milk and sugar. 
I never got the point of drinking latte's with cream or machiato's with caramel. If I want something yummy, I sure as hell don't want to DRINK they calories. I want solid food to put in my mouth. Whipped cream straight from the bottle, but don't put it on coffee, that would fill me up too fast and then I can't eat as much as I'd like to.

I know there are so many No-no's when it comes to losing weight. Don't starv (God knows I've done that too...it worked every time, but how unpleasant), eat small meals, avoid carbs, do excercise and drink tons of water with lemon. I know every rule and yet I will go against them from time to time, in an effort to lose weight faster. It's bad, I know. 

Since I have been on a constant binge for about 3 or 4 days, my stomach is now capable of devouring huge amounts of food. It needs to shrink...just a little bit (or a lot works for me too).
Today, I will try to not eat anything. I might fail and have some fruit if I get dizzy and this "rule" applies only for today.



Today, I am fasting. Except for my wonderful black coffee.

Result:
Pear
Orange

2 bowls of vegetable soup 
1/2 C grapes
Tomato
Plum
One Laughing Cow wedge

New Realizations part II

I am not feeling good.
Every since I came to this country I haven't felt good.
There is people everywhere, all the time, non-stop. I have no privacy even if I get up at 6 AM to work out.
I don't like working out in public places, I feel uncomfortable, always scrutinized (even though it's all in my head), I feel pressured, and all of this lead me to stop taking care of my body.
According to people, I am not considered fat, I am just average. But when someone who has been pin thin becomes average... they may as well call it fat.
So, I am unhappy. For some reason, I am unhappy and I have emotional issues that I  (for some reason) tie together with food. So, today I probably shouldn't have had 2 baguettes with extreme amounts of butter, half bag of chips, grapes, pizza, Snickers, basically anything and everything that I would deprive myself from, in the earlier days.

Looks is one thing, but my inner health is also suffering. Having to squeeze into my previous jeans may not kill me, but to have cholesterol blockage in the arteries might. Like I said, people wouldn't know if they look at me, I am just average. But for me to know what I have been makes the story slightly different in my head.

I am not sick and I do not want sympathy, nor people to be judgmental.
People in general are messed up too, the only difference here is that I am aware about it.

So, I will use this as therapy since I spend most of my free time by a computer. And putting myself out there makes me want to take myself more seriously. It cannot be, "just one more day" all the time. It has to stop at some point. I choose... tomorrow ... not today. Today is already ruined.

New Realizations

I want to be secretive about it. And I will be.
This is my therapy and if you don't like it look away and ignore.

I will write what I choose to write even if it's trivial, silly or boring.

My grammar is broken and I never learn correct punctuation.
Much like my life.



To be Cont'd