WTF

I felt brave today, so I took the scale out and I put it on the floor.
I psyched myself to do a weigh in with jeans, cardigan and everything else I had on.
112 lbs!? WTF! Seriously. I had 0.75 liters of ice-cream yesterday and I didn't do ANY exercise.
I think it's safe to say that: 1. I'm losing muscle mass.
                                        2. Stress is getting to me.

I've experienced this effect before when I get really stressed out, like I am now, my body doesn't get proper nutrition even if I do eat. If I keep this up I'm gonna get dizzy and eventually it's just gonna get worse and worse.
This morning I was dizzy - almost like things are moving around me when I'm walking, not so much when I am sitting down or focusing on something.

I can't go through all that sort of stuff again - I have exams to focus on and so I will try to manage my stress levels a little bit better.

I've also set a binge day on the 10th possibly 11th of Feb. I've done this because my sweet family at home has sent over some food stuff (candy) that I accidentally mentioned I missed.
Another reason is because the first round of exams end on the 9th, which means that my stress-level (no matter how much I try to control it) will be maxed out and I will need energy.

Boring post - sorry.

Take care everyone, stay as fabulous as you are!

One Rainy Day

I've been doing OK so far. Keeping under 1000 and I'm not really hungry as much as before.
I guess that's one of the perks about fasting.
I started drinking regular coffee again but not as much as before and I try to mix decaff and regular to make it a little "kinder" to my body.

 Weekend time means spending time with BF and doing homework.
He still asks if I want ice-cream or fattening drinks (not using the word fattening, of course) but since I'm
really not that hungry any longer, I say no. And he gets upset - "I thought you started eating again!!"
And so I have to explain to him how the body works and that I really cannot digest as much as before.
I can of course, but I don't want to.

He's been really frustrated as well because he stopped going to the gym. I've noticed the frustration and I told him not to feel guilty that it would take time from "us." Yes, we do live together but in this country it seems like everyone is working really hard and if I'm lucky, I get to see him around 20.00. I haven't been to the gym either but it was a conscious decision because I was downright fat a few weeks ago even though it's getting better now. I need to make changes too, but if I end up with B grades I can't justify spending time at the gym. I'd rather stop eating.

 I saw The Rite yesterday and I held high hopes for my fellow countryman of a director, but...hmm, it was entertaining but not THE BEST movie I've seen. The place was packed. I also "saved" 300 cal to spend at the theater and I got a Skinny Cow sandwich ice cream. OMG - Why didn't anyone tell me those exist!!

Anyway, time for homework . . . maybe some outdoorsy stuff too even though it's raining.

Stay cool people!

Day 7

168 hours of fasting is completed. Fast is over.

I say it with a smile on my face, I completed what I thought I couldn't complete!!
(Maybe now,  that will be the truth for biology  too.)

I broke the fast with a peach. And later I had 1/3 of a stuffed pepper with low fat cheese.
It was delicious, however, I couldn't finish one completely. Dessert was a low fat yogurt.

I just had breakfast and I'm already feeling a little more "energetic."
Last night it was still difficult to sleep  and I was so hot. I guess my body was making a hell of a lot
energy on whatever I put in the system.

Today is busy.

I wish you all a great weekend with lots of success!

Day 6

144 hours of fasting is completed. PoWWow to day 7.

Yesterday was a pain, not in terms of hunger but it feels like time
slows down the closer I get to the final day. And so, here I am, 19.00 it's officially over for me.
Now, I'm scared. Freaking out.
Do I really want to start eating again? I can save soo much time if I don't eat (and money). If I do start eating again, will I be able to manage it and eat healthy?

Today is grocery shopping day. We have nothing in the fridge and frankly, as long as there's a piece of cheese and some bread, BF will be just fine. So, today I need to get my butt to Safeway and buy stuff. Pick items we need and SHOULD eat and put them in the cart. Also, items I crave. No.

I will of course pull these few hours left off too, so I feel fairly confident about saying that I did what I thought I couldn't do. Awesome.

Although I know I just lost water weight (I will update weight later) it feels pretty nice to not have my tummy pressed against the jeans.

Now, I have to go to school and try to manage the embarrassment of my stomach groaning in the middle of class.

Followers, don't forget to smile! Sometimes, even if you feel like crap...it helps.

Day 5

120 hours of fasting is completed. Day 6,  Here I come.

Thanks for all the wonderful support and comments.
Without you and without the feeling that I need to achieve something,
I would've failed on the second or even first day. That's a fact.

Yesterday I had diluted orange juice, decaf coffee, 2 Cups of vegetable broth.
I have to say, that I really and truly believe that the veggie-broth does the trick.
It contains salt and minerals, and even though 1/2 a block contains 15 cal, I really think it's OK.
It also fills me up pretty good.

I wish I could fast when I don't have school, but let's face it...school is always there.
And right now, I study at least 6 h a day outside of school and I still feel like I'm barely keeping afloat.
Not cool, I don't know what I am doing wrong but obviously it's something.

BF thought I was only fasting for 2 days and had a chock yesterday when I told him it was 7.
"You'll go eat right now!!" - Eeeh, let me think about that, no? Not when I've come this far and I know he's only worried about me. For good reason, but still.

Got my period yesterday. Wohoo. Had extreme pain last night. Took 6 painkillers, they don't seem to work any longer. It scares me because I can't do anything without that kind of pain. It's in the back usually and then the stomach gets really really swollen, but back has always been the main issue.

I've been bad. I keep sneaking on to BF's computer and deleting things I don't find appropriate, doesn't matter if I am on period or not, it's disgusting. Eeek. This has always been our main problem. But to not put a password on the computer is like leaving gold out among thieves...and it's only occasionally that the password request doesn't work. Like yesterday. Bha! I will stick to my ideals and as long as I don't try to have another talk with him...he let's it slide. Sorry, too much private info  - I know, but it's a thing that bothers me, so suck it up :P

Alrighty, another nice spring day in January.
Hope I can survive today. Period sucks, what good does it do anyway if I don't want kids. Ridiculous.

Day 4

96 hours of fasting is completed. Day 5 started.

Yesterday was a pain. I was so weak in the morning and I felt like a zombie walking around Campus.
Not good, not good. My head feels light, and I'm almost fascinated by my own movements. Like it's not even my body moving because I have no idea what I'm thinking. Sounds scary?

But I'm doing OK I think. I had diluted orange juice and for both dinner and lunch I had 1 Cup of Vegetable broth. Maybe I shouldn't, but you know what, who the hell cares as long as I can avoid solid food right?
I hope my stomach doesn't start groaning in class again, it has a habit of doing that on Tuesdays and I feel so embarrassed. 1. I don't look so skinny so people will figure I am on a diet. 2. The slightly bigger kids, who will consider me skinny, will think that I am on a diet. 3. The instructor will think I am on a diet or that I need to go use the restroom, I don't know which is less embarrassing.
I  hate it.

I wish I didn't care so much of what people thought of me.


Today is going to be a long day. Biology is a pain in the ...! And the instructor seem to have a distorted comprehension of time. The work load is insane. Well, at least it keeps me busy!

Peace out lovelies!

Day 3

72 hours of fasting is completed. Waking up to day 4.

I'm so weak and tired all the time.
Got some juice yesterday and for dinner I had 1 Cup of Vegetable broth.
I don't know  if the later should been included in a fast, but my body and brain needed it.
I felt so good drinking the warmness and I really felt comfort in the taste it provided.

We went to farmers market yesterday. BF tried to coax me into tasting different things.
"Oh, it's just a tiny bite, blah blah blah." I remained firm and declared that if I tasted it, it wouldn't really be a fast any longer.

After that we went home and I took advantage of the energy surge I suddenly
experienced and cleaned. Unfortunately, my energy runs out really fast these days and by 20.00, I was done for it.
Went to bed around 10.15 and I think I fell asleep too.

I'm trying to figure out how to keep myself going today. School demands alertness and attention.
I possess neither of those things right now.
Perhaps I should bring some juice to class.

Still no regular coffee, however, if the weakness gets too intense, I will start drinking the holy black water again. I love my coffee so so much.

Weather is beautiful. It makes me happy.
Scale read 115 yesterday, but it's bullshit since it's only water weight lost.

Today I'm thankful for that I can walk around wherever I want without bombs falling on my head. : )

Day 2

48 hours of fasting completed. Embarking on the 3rd day this morning.

Yesterday was also tough and again it's the weakness and not really the hunger pains that causes
discomfort.

BF wanted to go to Subway and so we did.
At subway, I told him that maybe I could just have a yogurt, I wasn't really hungry.
He made a big deal out of it, asking me why, why, why, why? I told him, well, I haven't had it
for such a long time and I want one. Problem solved. Did I eat the Yogurt - No.
3 hours later, he asked if I wanted to go for frozen yoghurt...I put a stale look on my face,
looked him straight in the eyes, and told him what I am doing.
There was a bunch of questions but he was very understanding for some reason.

So, night time I had 1 cup of wine (I know, that's not good)  and bunch of water.
BF teasingly asked if I wanted the peanuts he ate and every time he asked me, I wanted them less and less.

I'm seriously doubting that I will make 7 days.
I will faint at college or something, but I'll give it my best
and that's all I have to say. I'm already satisfied with what I've accomplished so far so let's see where this takes me.

Right now, Chewing-gum, water, decaf coffee are my best friends.

oh, and you guys! <3

Day 1

Day 1 is finished. 24 hours of fasting is completed.
I would lie if I said it was easy, especially when one friend was eating chocolate and drinking coke RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME, asking if I wanted some.
-Hell no.

Uhm, I accidentally swallowed my chewing gum in class and I indulged in some decaf black coffee for dinner.

The hunger pains were very reasonable but my headache was not.
I thought I was going to die and I ascribe the aching to the lack  of caffeine.

I told BF that I wanted to try to fast for 7 days. He said, oh no, I won't allow you, then you surely be anorexic again. I didn't even consider his comment. I wasn't asking for permission as I am an adult and can make my own decisions. I was merely stating it. Sometimes our age difference create a weird power dynamic.


And guys, I'm not really sure what I'm allowed to drink or not drink. So far I've gotten down water and coffee. Am I supposed to drink juice too - like Tropicana juice - or what? I don't own a juicer so that's one problem I assume...Help?

Weekend is going to be hell. homework and fasting is not a good combo, but I will do my very best.

An approach to the Impossible

Sorry about posting twice today but it was way too early this morning to think straight.
In fact, my sleep has been as horrible as the worst times of restricting.
A fellow blogger declared that she started fasting today.
And not just for a day. For 7 days. I'm in awe.
I want to do that too!

I know what you're all thinking.
"Setting herself up for failure,"  "Harming the body more than she said she would,"
"That's impossible, she can't get out of a binge and now she's trying THIS."

- THAT'S RIGHT FOLKS! 

Today, I am taking on the world.
Why will I put myself through such recklessness?
All my life I've been nervous and afraid of failing.
I refuse to do so many things because I'm afraid of failing.
I refuse to talk in class because my English gets bad. I refuse to step out of line because people might make fun of me. I refuse to break the law in ANY way (OK I do sometimes) because I don't want people to get angry. I do everything according to what OTHER people and SOCIETY prescribe is correct.

And so, for the first time ( other than not wanting to move to a different country in the first place),
I - Neri, will actually START something voluntarily, that I might - and possibly will - fail.
Seems ridiculous ? I am scared again, did I just make a huge fool out of myself?
You may think of all the times I've said I will start restricting again, but this is different because it's a short term goal and it's taken to such an extreme that it's not even comparable.

Starting Friday! Hopefully going to next Friday.

I will inform BF tonight.

Another one bites the dust

That other one - would be me.
I've done bad I think. We had an argument and I my thoughts first went AWAY from food, than back to it super fast.

Anyway, life is bussssssy.

Nuclear Winter.

It's very early and as usual, I didn't get any sleep.
Too many things are keeping my head occupied.

Today, I had breakfast.
Then I'm gonna have an apple at school.

Then I am going home for about 1.5 h, only to go back to school before 3.00 pm.
Busy day, especially if you're sleepy.

Thinking about going to gym tomorrow.
Also thinking about doing something called an "alternate day" diet.
Mostly because I am curious about it and it would be a challenge - only for a week or so.

Stay fantastic and avoid things that should be avoided.

Breakfast - Cereal & Milk -100
Lunch - Flatbread burrito (low fast cheese, soy protetin, salsa, sallad) - 280
Dinner - Eggwhite omelette with 2 slices of cheese - 250

Binge - 3 muffin a 200 cal.

GRAND TOTAL

1230

One Foggy Morning

Today, I think BF and I are going hiking.
I've been resisting working out and the hiking too, because once I'm in the "binge" cycle, I don't want to do any exercise or eat anything healthy.

Today, however, I am ready.
It's gonna kill me since all my cardio training probably has left me to find someone else who can appreciate
the benefits of doing it.

I've been trying to figure out my psychological pattern of over-eating.
I came up with several things.
1. Changes (New quarter - new subjects - new people)
2. Emotional Struggles (On the verge of ending the relationship - Missing family around Xmas time - Missing the few friends I have at home - Missing being a 23 years old girl partying it up instead of cleaning it up.)
3. Previous Eating Patterns. (Glorifying the binge eating from past and not really considering myself to be full until I am so bloated I cannot move - Feeling that I've done it before I can do it again Yo-yo pattern. - Knowing the fact that it's going to be a struggle makes me fear and refuse to START restricting,)

It will take time again, this won't go any faster than last time (and hopefully not any slower either).
I'm playing with the thoughts of different diets but I am not sure they will work any better than restricting.

Time for homework.

Edit:
Intake for today

Sallad @ Chipotle (no black beans, no dressing) - 200
Apple - 50
Egg white Omelet with lettuce and low fat cheese - 125
2 rice cakes - 80
1 cheese wedge - 35
1/2 avocado - 100

Total:  590

Life's Irony

I just discovered something weird.
I decided that as long as I'm in denial, I'm not gonna move forward or make any progress.
And yes, I have been cheating and binging.
So, I took my measurements today and I got on the scale. The scale from hell. The scale that I hate.

The weird thing I discovered is that my stats are THE SAME that I had as a starting point the last time around.
Except the thighs, which were 4 cm bigger than before. Eeeeh, OK.
I can work with that. So without any further notice, here are the troubling numbers.
Everything is measured from the thickest part and after an extreme binge.
No more hiding and no more waiting.

Right Thigh: 52 cm
Right Arm: 23 cm
Hips: 89 cm
Waist: 73 cm
Weight: 123 lbs or 56 kg

It's so on.

On a Steady Path

Alright, I made a change in my strategy.
No fasting today because I am afraid that will only lead to failure and then I will get more depressed.

I will eat normal today. A small step is at least a movement i the right direction.

Some of you might laugh, but hey, I do good - I do bad.
I'm only human. Although I claim to be a vampire.

So far: Banana 100
Cereal & Milk 100
Miso soup with tofu 80
Crisp bread with cheese wedge 75

Total: 355

Chapter ll

I have a head ache a massive pounding in my head.


I know that it's because I eat. It gives people headaches, like physically, because of the bad nutrition.


No breakfast today, but when I come home I just want to eat more. And more and more.
It's so sick. Within this week I said...let's hope for the best.


I calculated that it's exactly 71 days until I will go to Japan. Seriously, 71 days is nothing when you are trying to lose weight. It goes so fast and I know how I usually do it - hardcore but I always end up with a delay in the initial phase. No good, no good.

For 12 days I have been binging like a mad cow. And I don't mean, "oh, I had 2 slices of pizza."
We are talking MASSIVE - HUMONGOUS amounts of food intake. Several thousands of calories a day.
Ex.)  1.4 Liter of ice cream on top of bread, peanut butter, 5 muffins, pasta with cheese. And so on...

I'm a purgophobiac, so I refuse to throw up no matter how badly I want to. If I do, it means I've failed my own failure. Anorexics usually do not throw up and since I was labeled a specific label, instead of EDNOS, I see bulimia as a secondary eating disorder - something I do not engage or take part of  and so even if I have failed my anorexic thought patterns, I refuse to engage in binging AND purging. I just stick with the first one.

 It kind of relates to how I thought I was cured if I just kept eating and eating and not caring about gaining weight. Turns out, that is not recovery at all that's just a mask - a screen, a filter.

However, I don't want to die. I'm not ready to eat myself to death just yet. There are things I want to do. People I love. And it's shameful going to college each day, trying to hide my stomach, since I really do look preggo now because of all the food I stuff myself with. I feel shame and guilt. I'm trying to be a good person and I don't deserve to feel shame and guilt each day.

 RIP

I'm terrified to be recognized by someone when I by my drugs (aka, all the binge foods). I'm terrified to be seen holding food in the elevator and being recognized by a neighbor. I dread the thought of going to the gym (oh, my gym - that I usually love love love) because I feel shame that I actually NEED to go to a gym. 

I wonder if I have some sort of social-phobia? Probably so.

 Due to all of these factors - I'll start a new chapter in my life right now - Chapter II. 
This blog was about me getting back into shape but not re-introducing my strange and obsessive eating patterns. I got caught up and it spiraled both physically and emotionally. Who would've thought?
I should know better at my age.

I'm looking at different diets, since I don't really want to count calories again. It makes me messed up in the head. On the opposite side, I fear if I don't count calories I will reduce portions to such an extent that I will go back into starvation. The lesser of two evils?

 

This post is not about complaining nor is it to evoke empathy. I want to make use and make sure I caption what I feel at the moment. How can I improve myself and not get lost on the way. I get swept up in things far too easily.

I'm thinking about doing a fast tomorrow - and then eat a little on Friday.
It sounds like a simple task but since my stomach is as big as the land mass that was Pangaea, I'm going to be a very very hungry girl.

Whatever it takes. And I want to look pretty the first time I meet my future-mother in law in 70 days.

End of Story.

Liquid Paper

Can I have some liquid paper to erase the last 10 days of failure?

I have been binging. On the verge to being sick - actually not on the verge - I was sick.
Felt like my stomach was about to explode. Then I waited 1.5 h and had some more.
Seconds, Thirds, Fourths - Eat until EVERYTHING is gone.

I even took it so far to throw away everything "tempting" we had at home.
Next day, I bought other stuff that I wanted.
I'm in trouble, a little bit in too much trouble.

OK. I have a lunch appointment on Friday, I need to eat then.
But preferably, I want to get back to restricting again within this week.
If I can do it within this week, it is fixable. If not..ugggh, I don't want to think about it.

Every blog here inspires me to start over, again and again, and again.
Unfortunately, it needs to be MY timing.
Oh,well. Life goes on.

On the positive side, I got the courage to talk to BF about getting engaged.
He said, he was afraid I didn't want to becuase;
1. I'm a feminist. 2. I'm not conventional.
That is correct, he is right, but for this matter - I dooooo.
1. Domestic partner sounds like I am gay each time I say it.
2. It is part of my culture too even though I'm not talking about a big as engagement ring. That's a no no.

But I felt good for finally have put it out there. And I know he does too.
Sweet.

Where's my sweet oat cracker...gimmie, gimmie, gimmie.

Be strong?

It feels like a whisper in my ear - "Be strong."
And so familiar since that is what I tell everyone else to be.
"Be strong."

Yes. Yes. Yes. I will be strong. You don't need a new year to start over.
You need a new day. Today happens to be a new day. My new day.

When I am nervous I do 3 things. Talk non-stop. If I am really panicked I cry.
And, I eat. A lot. Mount Everest much.
The first days of the quarter is over and I need to control my nervousness and, literally not, eat it away.

I can do this. I can do this again, even though my face is so bloated from all the strange food I chowed down yesterday. It's a game. I need to learn how to get into it and navigate - kind of like Pac Man.
And although I have been doing good before, I believe it's important to share my failures too.
I used to be focused and strong but lately - for about a week - I've been...trying to make up for all the food I've refused to eat. And so, I ate.

No more. I'm sorry for a very depressing long post, however, this is my therapy and I need to get it out.

I found myself having a really hard time getting out of bed this morning.
It doesn't happen to me usually. I have the feeling that I don't have too much to look forward to
and motivate me at the moment.
Holiday season was simple, I wanted to look super fragile and look nice for everyone and for myself.
Events after events.

What about now? 13 weeks of dread. 13 weeks of hardcore studying. (Because B's are apparently unacceptable) After 13 weeks awaits a vacation to a country where prostitution, in form of Geishas, is legal.
But 13 weeks is so very,extremely, far away.

So, what should I do?
Be cliche and go for Valentines Day as the day I need to look fragile again? I'm not sure. And after all, I want to STAY that way, not just a temporary thing.

I need to be controlled to get good grades, I need it to be healthy, I need it to be happy.
All in all, my unhappiness creates my happiness.
And I do love the man I live with but I cannot tell him all of this.

Stay Lovely. I know everyone of you are strong and I enjoy very much reading all the blogs when I feel down.
It makes me stronger. And it makes me realize that we are all humans. Humans in struggle.
Too sappy? Well, stop reading then.

These Pathetic Days

I binge, I binge. I binge. I binge.


Only until I feel I cannot take it anymore
And then I'm off to lose another 10 lbs. I need this.


Only one more day. One more. OR it's gonna be stuck in my mind.
It's like a switch I turn on whenever it's convenient.
Stupid me. Stupid Brain.

Go to gym....

Quickie

Usless post.
Been binging 4 days lately...I always do when I am nervous.
Back to school today. Save me?

It's nice being warm though. I can sleep.
I look like a racoon by the way - dark dark dark circle under eyes.

I'm nervous.
I want to eat tons of bread today.