I'll Race You

It's over. Now i only have essays and finals left.
It's ok. I'm the zen master when it comes to studying. No one's gonna beat me,
especially not my class mates, lazy asses. If you want that A, work for it, don't
do the stupid X credit assignment....X credit is for stupid people who are lazy.
Unless, you actually study and just want to make sure you get that A.

I know I eat way more than most girls around this blog place,
but I've chosen a style that actually works for me. Not only does it help with my weight,
it helps with my entire life. I get organized and it benefist my school work as well.

I have two chocolate calenders this year *it's a cultural thing - waiting for Xmast*
& I will have one piece each day and NOT count those calories.

I will also set a date for a "binge" day, a day I can have everything I want.
I usually dream about these days and gather, like a fucking hamster, so much food for these day's
but then I end up throwing almost everything away, because my eyes want more than my stomach.

I feel good. I still haven't set a goal weight, but I am thinking somewhere around 95.
Of course, if I ever get there, I just want to get further and further...let's hope I can control this time.
I don't have time to be admitted again. Those days are over.
It's almost laughable how I tricked everyone *even myself* and thought I was well.
No such thing. You live with an ED you die with an ED. Tragic, but, it's what I do and I do it well.





Breakfast: Cereal + Milk (100)
Lunch: Banana  (100)
Porridge (150)
Crispbread with cheese wedge (70)
Rice cracker (40)
Dinner: Egg white omelette with Cheese (130)
1/2 portion of Brown Rice (75)
1 Banana (100)
1 Rice cracker (40)
1 Cheesewedge (35)
Some sallad (20)
Miso Soup (35)
Yogurt (80)

Total so far: 975


No comment. Hey, it took me 1.5 year to put on all the weight...it's gonna take TIME getting it off too.
This is where I'm at. Long live THUNDER THIGHS.

In the Cold Cold Night

Monday!

Both yay and no-yay.
It's good to keep busy with school, makes the days go faster and also I keep
to my routine well when time flies.
No-yay...well obviously, school, presentations and essays. FINALS.

These 2 weeks are gonna suck so bad. I am nervous already.

Breakfast:
Cereal & Buttermilk (120)
Lunch: Sallad (50)
Yogurt (80)
Apple (50)
2 Rice crackers (80)
Pear (50)
Dinner:
Flatbread (140) with butter (35) 2 cheese slices (70)
10 grapes (40)
Cheesewedge (35)
Miso soup with Tofu (80)
1 Glass of Wine (110)

Total so far: 940

Might have half of wine, just to reach 1000 or a ricecracker.

Also went running for 40 min.

For Better or Worse

Today is a very special holiday for me.
Also means I need to make gingersnaps and cinnabons.
I've only slept like 6 hours, it's getting more and more difficult to fall asleep these days.

My body wants to put out energy all the time, but my mind is very tired.

I met a person this weekend that I haven't seen in a very long time.
He said, "You got skinny-did you lose weight?" Before I even had a second to respond,
(which of course was a NO, I have not idea what you're talking about) the BF
stepped in and said "No, she's always been like this."
I guess it's true what the say, the people you see every day won't notice as much as yourself.

Either way, that comment means I'm on the right track!
It's a waiting game and I have both discipline and patience (if only I had some grammatical skills as well).
I bet just because I put it on the blog, I'm gonna binge madly and have to feel stupid...but...it's a risk I take.

Oh, right, a question...does anyone know some tricks to keep the body satisfied without eating?
Like, drinking diet drinks or coffee...smoking (BAD FOR YOU - DON'T DO IT) ?
I tend to stick with coffee, decaff and regular at all times...

Breakfast: Cereal + Milk (100)
Apple (50)
Spicy wine (100)
2 Ginger cookies (100)
1 Cinnabon (200)
1 Oat cookie (150)

--------------------------
700 so far...

Thank you, thank you

Alrighty! I feel great, Thanksgiving is basically over.
Wohooo. I survived a whole table of sweets and desert.
I took 2 bites of a petite choux cake.

It was a wonderful thanksgiving, no americans, which was kind of strange considering
the holiday. It was kind of strange standing in front of a table of goodies, I somehow didn't
even want to devour anything. I was scared.

And today's weigh in was 115 llbs or 52 kg.

Next week, I have my heart set on 112. So, I'll do my best.
But it's getting colder and more and more difficult to sleep.
Last night I went to bed with t-shirt, hoodie, socks, and pyjama pants, 3 covers.

I'm not giving up though, it's just a waiting game...if I can't make 2 months then what am I?

So far, breakfast: Buttermilk and cereal (120)
Banana (100)
Pear (50)
Eggwhite omelette (90)
10 grapes (40)
1 ricecracker (40)
1 cheesewedge (35)
apple (50)
Half of miso noodles (275)
Butter milk + 10 grapws (100)
Wine (112)
1 rice cracker (40)
Yoghurt (80)

-----------------------
1132 (Total)

Also went hiking for 2.5. hr and shopping during night time...walking around a loooot.

Of Tinsel and Thorns

Buttermilk & Cereal (120)

Lunch: Fruitsallad (70)
           Sallad with Grapes & Salsa (50)
           Yoghurt (80)
           Half banana (50)

Rice Cake (40)
Apple (50)
460
Diner: To come...



--------------
Good morning!
I have family and friends thinking of me. It feels good. But I know some worry.
And I know they are gonna get a chock next summer when I return.
Oh well.

Thanksgiving is coming up. FOOD! Fattening carbs.
Today I have school then I always go to the gym.
After gym I need to go to Safeway to buy ingredients to make lemon cakes.
BF said he will help me. Sure sure. He can taste them. I refuse too.

I am doing well I think. I have made everything into routine - that way days go faster.
In school I am always nervous. At lunch I always bring salad and coffee. It does fill me up.
But it makes me light headed, especially now when I'm not getting enough sleep.

Found wonderful SUGAR-FREE syrups to put in coffee. I mean, like I said before, If I restrict
my calorie intake, I surly don't want to DRINK my calories...it just doesn't fill me up.

When I see my fat inner thighs, I just tell myself it will take time otherwise I will be discourage.
And discouragement leads to binging. I can't have that, not now, not when everything is so close.

Haven't set an ultimate weight goal but I'm speculating around 100 or 95.
It's gonna take time. But before I know it summer time will  be here - winter time
is a cold pain in the ass. Cold. Cold. Cold.

I will update with pics next week...think it's time to show my real self.
As for now. This is still just therapy.

I would be feeling it anyway

I am tired and have a head ache. Light headed and so much stuff to do.
Breakdown for today:
Cereal Skim milk - 100
Yoghurt - 80
1 Breadroll - 120
1Cheesewedge - 35
1 Riceball [Onigiri] - 75
Pear - 50

Eggwhite Omelette w Cheese - 160

Total 620

Time for dinner,

I'vet got a song inside my head

Today is weekend!
BF was mean yesterday evening but woke up super early, went to the sofa where I was sleeping and
apologized. We are highly dysfunctional but he would never hurt me intentionally.

I had breakfast: Cereal & Skimilk.

I have to try to restrain and be good even though BF is home and sometimes lures me into
eating more or other stuff than I should, making the excuse that it's Saturday.
Well, it is Saturday - but Thanksgiving next week. Gobble, Gobble.

This is for my PERSONAL satisfaction I want to feel like before. When shopping was fun.
When meeting new people was fun because I felt confident.

Stay on track Ladies *or men* and remember your goals and dreams.
Is it really worth eating a slice of cake [300 cal] or can you possibly exchange the cake for something

more filling say 6 apples [300 cal]...I think the apples will fill you up more than the cake will :P


I've decided to be chicken and not post any picture of what I look like right now, but instead I will post what I used to look like.

....Yeah. I want to be like that again.
Have a nice day everyone! Be the best you can be in every regard.

Bitter Sweet Symphony

I hardly lost anything. 1 lbs. 1 stinking lbs - That's so uncool. 
In my defense, I got my crimson friendly friend today, so I guess I gained water weight as well.
And my boobs always becomes huuuuuuuge. :(

Yesterday, I had an epiphany that hopefully will help me get through these day's again with a sane mind. 
I just realized that getting back to where i was before is just another waiting game.
Think about it, the person who can stick with something for a looooong time, loses the most.
I used to do all the crash diets but found myself losing very small amounts, getting frustrated and then binge.

I remember specifically back in May 2007, after I took a job far away from home at a very small island,
I was so depressed and I gained from 52kg to 70kg.
By July I was average again due to discipline and restrictions and very strict work out routines.
After that I decided to actually LIVE my life and try not to be obssessed with losing weight and food.
It worked, when September rolled around I had my scariest skinny days without even noticing it myself.
By then I had constructed a routine that included; working-out each morning 30 min, always complement lunch with a salad and, if recall correctly, every once in a while on a Saturday have a food binge!

I will follow whatever works for me mostly becuase the human body isn't the same for everyone.
Fasting might work really well for one person with a certain body type and fast metabolism but may hurt another person because they don't see results, get frustrated and binge.

I will follow my strict workout routine until December. When Decemeber comes I will cut down on the strength work out because I don't want to have huge muscles. After that I will easy up on myself, let it take time, because it's gonna come eventually, but not if I hurry hurry hurry all the time.
It's just a waiting game. And I have my entire life, but if I stick with the routin I will lose wight now instead of putting it up until next year, or the year after that... ect.

So, I am currently at 119 lb - roughly 54 kg (I miss my metric system)
and roughly 5'7 -  173 cm (See metrics you can measure MORE exact).

By next week, I have 117 as a goal. I don't want to lose water weight (well that too) I want to lose actual fat.

Here's todays break down: 

Breakfast: Cereal & Milk 100

Lunch: 2 rice cakes 80, Cheese Wedge 35, Salad 25, Buttermilk with Kiwi 100, Clam chowder 110.

 450 so far. Dinner to come.

Edit:
Dinner: 2 Brown Rice Onigiri 200, Soyprotein Burgers in Hoisin Sauce 100, Yogurt 80, Peaches in Light Syrup 50.

TOTAL: 880 ( But just to make sure, let's say 970...haha or so)

Here to stay...

Phew, We survived yet again.
Actually, he became sick and I threw everything aside to take care of him.
That's why I didn't go running today, I know, excuses excuses, but I was exhausted from one bad night sleep and there was just no chance that i could drag my ass out of bed at 6.45 AM.
Hmm, maybe I do have some maternal instict...*shudders*

It's pretty scaring when everything I fight for suddenly becomes reduced to nothing
becuase the person I love transforms me into the stereotype of what a "woman" is suppose to do.

Today I bought:
All Egg Whites
PAM low-cal cooking spray
Low-cal Yogurt
Low-cal Cheese
Low-cal Tortilla, whole wheat

Today I ate:
Cereal + Skimilk 100
2 miniature stuffed bellpepers 100
Sallad 25
Crispbread + Laughing Cow wedge 70
Kiwi 40 
10 Grapes 40
Asian Pear 50
Yogurt 80

Total: 505
....dinner to come...
Total:

Coming back for more?

And so it happened, yet again.
Fighting, what's wrong with us? When it's good it's so incredibly good but when it turns bad (which it always does) it's disaster. Complete CHAOS!

He left last night, I had no idea where he went, but he dropped in at around 11.00 pm drunk and refusing to talk. I talked all morning, but I got no reply. The more I want to communicate the less he wants to speak.
I know this tactic and is hella effective, especially on me, I snap and become furious.

When he slammed the door, my first thought was to find comfort in food. I was debating so hard with myself if it was OK to get a piece of white bread with a fat-ass chunk of butter. I didn't. I would only hurt MYSELF just the same way he hurt me.

I am not slimming down again for him...I am doing it for me. He didn't even like the "super skinny" days.
I don't know if this is the end of a 4 year commitment. I hope not, but honestly I don't know what to think.
Even if we do start talking, I don't know what to say...if he says he is finished, I think I will accept. But I refuse to take the first step becuase I still love. I do. But I want him to be happy and if that cannot happen staying with me...he is free to leave.

I'll just stop eating all together then...at least I have a reason if that happens.

Sorry, very depressing.

Stay strong everyone, no matter what commitment you have made to yourself!

What I don't need...

NEGATIVE ENERGY!
It's difficult sometimes to get away from such people...especially when you're in SUCH a good mood.
But yesterday I managed to turn the BF around from a fowl mood.

Just went for a speedy run and had breakfast. Cereal and black coffee.
I've been trying to find other low-cal cereals, but I don't think I can find lower
than the Fiber one.

Also, I am sorry to say but the Nutrition labels in US is awesome but NOT accurate.
The calorie content is off on almost everything. It's less - even when considering the serving size -
than what it's supposed to be.
I compared the same brands as what I have back home. We don't have everything pre-calculated
in terms of the calorie content/size, but when I did calculate it right...it was no where near the US one.
And people wonder why it's hard to lose weight....I wonder if I smell a conspiracy.

Alrighty...enough for today.

Little fish, big fish swimming in the water...

Breakfast: Cereal + Skim milk 100

Lunch: Sallad 50 + Cripsbread and Cheese 70 cal + Fruit 75 + Yogurt 80 = 275
Snack: Miso soup 35

Totalt so far: 410

We are thinking about going out for dinner tonight, so I have to save up, even though I am hungry.
I always think of it as my secret stash of calories. Haha, kind of like money in the bank.

I had a good day today, running and then Farmers Market and then a convention thing, it was great.
No fighting, very loving today. Yay.
Hope I don't ruin it. -_-

Take care people. Stay strong even if it's cold outside.

Weekend!

Last night the BF came home and wanted to work out, not only work out, but for me to join him.
Who am I to decline even though I already did work out? I couldn't deny. I didn't want to deny.
I ate a yogurt after, I figured my body could use some calcium and rebuild during the night.

I was suppose to get up early today and work out. Didn't happen. 
I couldn't sleep last night - couldn't sleep because I KNEW i had to get up...
I decided my body needed the sleep better than the work out. I can do that tomorrow,
it's just switching the days around since my weekends are generally work out free.

I should go outside today, it's cold but it's sunshine. Get those AD vitamins!
Today consists of homework, cleaning, laundry.
We are going out tonight to see a band at a cafe and I don't know if there will be drinking or eating involved.
Probably, so I want to save some calories for that.

It's kind of messed up but I am always afraid that some items will contain MORE calories than what they actually do. This leads me to always have a buffer of extra calories - but also makes me eat WAY less than what I actually allow myself, afraid that I will go over my limit.

It's funny how I worked so hard to overcome something and then whenever I feel it's convenient to just drag it right back up to the surface. My eating disorder was safely tucked away in the back of my mind for about 2 years. I did great. Until I moved. It spiraled on me and I thought the more I ate the more cured I would be. It worked the opposite of course. And (yes, in US and is acceptable to start a sentence with) now I am right back at square one. Go me! Go regression!

Weigh in today: 120
It's an improvment because I've only been working out for about a week. 
So according to calculation, next friday I should be 117. 

Breakfast: Cereal & SkimMilk 100 cal
Lunch: 1 cup of Light Soup  100 cal + Cheese Omelette 290 cal 
Drink X 2 a  120 cal
Total so far: 730 cal

Thanks for loving me?

There has been a lot of "fruit actions" in terms of food going on.
I accidentally messed up cooking yesterday too, well, not really, but when I
put certain stuff in my mouth, e.i fish, cucumber, qouina *which I didn't mess up this time,*
it just taste ...weird.
Or the consistency is strange and I feel like I will throw up. Maybe it's my brain
playing tricks on me. But it has resulted in only fruit and  low-cal yogurt for dinner these days.

I'm doing okay. Last night I had the BEST sleep of my life. Or at least it felt like it.
I've been exhausted the prior weeks, unable to sleep for certain reasons, so I think I am finally catching up.

Tomorrow is weigh-in. I'd hate to see if I've gained because of the work-outs, muscles weigh more than fat.
But they also burn more calories and is good for my body. As long as I can stick to my work-out routins and diets I am satisfied. I can control. It doesn't control me.

Breakfast: Cereal and skim milk. - 100 cal
Snack: Pear - 50 cal
Lunch: Crisp bread with cheese - 70 cal, Sallad - 50 cal, Miso soup 80 cal, small bowl of Frosties 150 cal
Dinner: Omelette w cheese - 290, Small baked potato - 180, Frozen Veggies - 100



Total = 1070

Becuase I am a girl?

I am so sleepy today. Also I messed up my dinner, I burnt it. So I resigned to eating fruit and veggies. Sucks.


Cereal +1/2 cup Skim milk = 60 + 45 = 105 kcal

Peach = 50 kcal

Sallad + 1 cheese wedge + Crispbread with cheese wedge + 10 strawberries + Veggie & Qourn =
60 + 35 + 35 + 35 + 40 + 60= 265 kcal

Pear = 50 kcal

Miso soup 80 kcal + half omelette 110 kcal  + 2 plums 60 kcal + 20 grapes 80 kcal + yoghurt 100 kcal + crispbread with cheese wedge 70 kcal

Totalt = 970 kcal

I'll be on your side

Just had a quick run. It's early in the morning but not dark because of the time saving.
I don't like running in light. Also, stupid cars EVERYWHERE. Go die.

Coffee and breakfast 105 kcal (always the same)

Sallad + Pear - 60 + 50 - 110 kcal

12 Strawberries + Small orange + Cheese wedge - 48 + 50 + 35 - 133 kcal

Miso soup with Tofu + Sallad + half bowl of Veggie & Qourn + 1 Inari + 1 Cali Roll =
80 + 60 + 60 + 130 + 80 = 410 kcal

Total 758 kcal

I am sleepy today and the counting of calories takes time. Time I need. 

Broken windows and empty hall ways

Not much to say, didn't do any excercise yesterday. . . and probably not so much today either.
It's O.K though, tomorrow and the rest of the week I will move my ass a little bit more.
Monday's and Wednesday's I have to work out before school. And do some stretching and stuff after school.
Tuesday's and Thursday's I will do it AFTER school at the gym.
Friday's - Outside, so I can get up and start my day... no classes.

I remember how confident I used to feel when my frame was more on the fragile side.
But it was also a very contradicting feeling. Sometimes I felt like a child that people could take care of.
And they did. No one took me seriously - I could hide myself and be passive. That was nice too.
I suppose some people felt sorry for me and wanted to help.

I specifically remember ordering food or getting coffee with whipped cream (every once in a while) and compared to my friends/siblings I always got so much more. Same employer, but when it was at a place that they could see me, they gave me more stuff. More w.cream.

I felt OK when my BF paraded me around like some sort of price. It was never his intention, of course, and I don't think he noticed it, or even thought about it that way. However, I noticed, I still notice.
I was semi-OK with it back then, because I felt pretty good about myself too at that point. Always uncomfortable around people, sure, but I could take it. Nowdays, he still does that, but I feel ashamed. I am just plain now, just avarage.
Some might argue that I am a sad person because I let my weight determine how I should feel.
I have nothing to say to them, but yes, I know, it is pathetic, but right now I am not strong enough to fight it.
We are all objectified as women and hopefully I can break free from it someday, but it's not now, the time is not right for me.

I think it's going to rain today.

Have a good one. : )


Cereal Skim milk - 105
Apple - 50
Pear - 50
Strawberries + Grapes  + Miso soup - 50 + 50 + 80
Omelette - 200
4 pieces of sushi - 420

= 1005 kcal

Slow start - New beginnings

It is going well. A little too well.
I need to eat more or it will just end up with a very slow metabolism and a cold body.
So far today:
Breakfast: Cereal 105 kcal
Snack: Pear 50 kcal
Lunch: Miso soup, Fruitsallad 35 + 100 kcal = 135 kcal
Snack: Yoghurt + Crispbread 100 + 70 kcal = 170 kcal

Total so far: 460 kcal

I've allowed myself around 1000 a day. I don't want to get into starvation mode again, it will just take so much longer.

I am very sleepy, haven't been allowed proper sleep for some time now. . . living together is hard.
But I would never change anything. Only change myself. 

Clamchowder Light - 110kcal
Sallad + Drink (Vodka Sprite 0) - 70 kcal + 200 kcal

Total: 840 kcal

Morning Glory

2nd day that I wake up - actually get out of bed - and go running.
Also been making some changes to my diet, which means not gobbling down EVERYTING I WANT.
I found out that miso soup fills me up very fast and it is one of my fav anyway, so why not eat it all the time.
Well, not all the time, but you know what I mean . . .

Today is Friday. Weekend. I'm gonna be good.
There's an even earlier event than the December event.
In November. End of November. Every American know about it. Let's just say it revolves a lot around food.
Everything in this country seem to do just that. Food. To me it is astonishing how many people remain thin or "average" here because it is a FOOD culture. And it's cheap too. It's both good and bad I suppose.

Anyway, I hope you have a good day. I will try to.

When it's dark, it's good.

I went up early and actually went jogging.
Just a fast one maybe 15 min but it is better than nothing.
Maybe I can do something when I get back home too.
I feel the need to.

It has begun. I can sense it everywhere. It's gonna make me tired, exhausted, insane but also focused.

Do you see what I see. . .

Scale is stuck on 123lbs or 56 kg (which makes sense) and that is fine.
I'm 5'7 but I am fat.

I haven't cut back yet...but it is time.
There is nothing worse than thighs rubbing together when walking.
At first it was a strange sensation to experience.
It sounds sick, but I was almost fascinated by the changes my body was going through.

Now, I am not fascinated any longer I just want it to go away.  

When Life gets In the Way...

I make silly excuses all the time.
Oh, I don't have this, I don't have that, I just want this before I start...

Well, IT IS hard to go running without sweatpants.
It is getting colder here too.
Halloween was fun.

The event in December is coming up and it worried me.
Damn it, get back in shape.

Preferably now.