Haha.
And I'm going insane if I cannot get more sleep.
Makes me jump in front of a train and never wake up.
Of course, I won't do that. I have a midterm in 2 weeks.
It's dark outside but at least it doesn't snow here.
That's nice.
Tuesday, February 22, 2011
Hold your heart.
Soooo, this isn't going very well.
Haha.
And I'm going insane if I cannot get more sleep.
Makes me jump in front of a train and never wake up.
Of course, I won't do that. I have a midterm in 2 weeks.
It's dark outside but at least it doesn't snow here.
That's nice.
Haha.
And I'm going insane if I cannot get more sleep.
Makes me jump in front of a train and never wake up.
Of course, I won't do that. I have a midterm in 2 weeks.
It's dark outside but at least it doesn't snow here.
That's nice.
Friday, February 18, 2011
Cross My Borders
Thank you all for heart warming and thoughtful comments.
You are all so wonderful and I hope I can give the support back to you whenever you need it too.
Bf and I don't abstain from sex, however, due to fights and my own manic need to
control him, it's been absent in our relationship lately.
Not even V-day changed it and I think after his drunken mistake he doesn't dare asking for it.
We are not stable.
When we're good we're untouchable but when we're bad we're two negatively charged ions. Think atomic-bomb.
I sometimes forget that inside the grown up man is a tiny defiant boy, who witnessed physical abuse and have divorced parents. Sometimes, I blame him for not acting like an adult. 13 years younger and I'm still the emotional responsible one. Yet, I have my own flaws but it seems like I am the emotional broker who takes care of all the emotional aspects of our relationship.
The talking - The negotiating - The comprimising - The coaxes to talk about feelings -The crying (no more - I seem to be unable to cry for us at this point).
We're getting better these days. But 2 days ago, I was so sure that this was the end. I had hit my limit.
And the binging got worse, worse and worse.
2 packages of Agedashi Tofu, 8 pc Cali-roll, Vegetable Croquette, 3 muffins, 2 * 0,5 l of ice cream, 8 shrimp dumplings.
- The list goes on. And I don't purge.
5 Weeks to Japan. I'm still gonna be fat. I know I can make it better and turn it around, start working out and stop eating the crappy food, so why don't I just do that? What's my problem?
Next week Bf is going to Washington and I'm doing a 3 day fast.
Enough, I need to start my day.
Today, I feel borderline - Either I stop with the madness today or I have one more day binging...and then another and another. And it's not even good food, it's whatever I can get my hands on or make at home. I can feel the battle going on inside of me. I don't know the outcome yet. It all depends.
Much love to all of you.
You're strong and you too have to deal with bad stuff in your lives.
You are my heroes.
You are all so wonderful and I hope I can give the support back to you whenever you need it too.
Bf and I don't abstain from sex, however, due to fights and my own manic need to
control him, it's been absent in our relationship lately.
Not even V-day changed it and I think after his drunken mistake he doesn't dare asking for it.
We are not stable.
When we're good we're untouchable but when we're bad we're two negatively charged ions. Think atomic-bomb.
I sometimes forget that inside the grown up man is a tiny defiant boy, who witnessed physical abuse and have divorced parents. Sometimes, I blame him for not acting like an adult. 13 years younger and I'm still the emotional responsible one. Yet, I have my own flaws but it seems like I am the emotional broker who takes care of all the emotional aspects of our relationship.
The talking - The negotiating - The comprimising - The coaxes to talk about feelings -
We're getting better these days. But 2 days ago, I was so sure that this was the end. I had hit my limit.
And the binging got worse, worse and worse.
2 packages of Agedashi Tofu, 8 pc Cali-roll, Vegetable Croquette, 3 muffins, 2 * 0,5 l of ice cream, 8 shrimp dumplings.
- The list goes on. And I don't purge.
5 Weeks to Japan. I'm still gonna be fat. I know I can make it better and turn it around, start working out and stop eating the crappy food, so why don't I just do that? What's my problem?
Next week Bf is going to Washington and I'm doing a 3 day fast.
Enough, I need to start my day.
Today, I feel borderline - Either I stop with the madness today or I have one more day binging...and then another and another. And it's not even good food, it's whatever I can get my hands on or make at home. I can feel the battle going on inside of me. I don't know the outcome yet. It all depends.
Much love to all of you.
You're strong and you too have to deal with bad stuff in your lives.
You are my heroes.
Tuesday, February 15, 2011
Head under water
But I am going insane over binges.
Something has spiraled me out of control and I suspect that something has to do with my
relationship, stressing over mid-terms and sleep deprivation. (Honestly less than 6h every night).
I feel so ugly when I look in the mirror. I hate myself.
I need to figure this thing out again. However, I still need to make modifications to what ever the hell I've been doing.
I cannot waste more time over calorie counting.
I'm thinking about eating "normally" again, no not anything I want, just not count every single little thing that goes into my body. I can't deal with it - it turns my head to mush at the end of the day.
I've done the no-calorie counting before and it worked perfectly although it was difficult at first to let go of the control. As long as I control myself, which I usually do *except for the last days* it should be fine because I usually over estimate the calorie content i food anyway...
Valentines went fine. No expectations but we had a nice, really nice, dinner at a restaurant and I gave him some chocolate and some "lovely dovely notes." No physical contact other than kissing. I'm so not ready for it and to my surprise he didn't even initiate or push very much either. So, again, can a relationship survive without the physical intimacy...?
Other than that, everything is fine between us.
Mid-term today and in a few hours my oldest brother is becoming a first time dad.
I'm gonna be an auntie, auntie Neri, sounds so ooold.
Stay optimistic my weight-blasting darlings!
Something has spiraled me out of control and I suspect that something has to do with my
relationship, stressing over mid-terms and sleep deprivation. (Honestly less than 6h every night).
I feel so ugly when I look in the mirror. I hate myself.
I need to figure this thing out again. However, I still need to make modifications to what ever the hell I've been doing.
I cannot waste more time over calorie counting.
I'm thinking about eating "normally" again, no not anything I want, just not count every single little thing that goes into my body. I can't deal with it - it turns my head to mush at the end of the day.
I've done the no-calorie counting before and it worked perfectly although it was difficult at first to let go of the control. As long as I control myself, which I usually do *except for the last days* it should be fine because I usually over estimate the calorie content i food anyway...
Valentines went fine. No expectations but we had a nice, really nice, dinner at a restaurant and I gave him some chocolate and some "lovely dovely notes." No physical contact other than kissing. I'm so not ready for it and to my surprise he didn't even initiate or push very much either. So, again, can a relationship survive without the physical intimacy...?
Other than that, everything is fine between us.
Mid-term today and in a few hours my oldest brother is becoming a first time dad.
I'm gonna be an auntie, auntie Neri, sounds so ooold.
Stay optimistic my weight-blasting darlings!
Friday, February 11, 2011
Thursday, February 10, 2011
Bare your fangs and burn my wings.
I was sleeping last night around 12.00 when he came home from the company dinner.
I guess he interpreted my sleepy "no" as please, go ahead, use me.
My disapproving whimpers and muttering had no effect.
This morning I didn't really know how to react.
I was angry but not angry enough. I was just soooo sleepy last night - unable to do anything - to stop anything.
I was just there, which is why I am more angry at myself, why didn't I react more strongly? It was like all my strength had left me. And mentally I was in dream land.
I got his sorry's and guilt this afternoon and evening. He is still at work.
But it's too late to save this day, I binged. My mother sent me chocolate from my own country.
I ate. Then, I ate potatoes with butter, agedashi tofu, bread, butter, cheese, rice, sushi ...
Damn it.
Today is the 20th anniversary of my father's death. This is the first time I cannot visit his grave.
Homework, homework, homework. I hate my biology teacher. I don't hate in general but I hate her.
I guess he interpreted my sleepy "no" as please, go ahead, use me.
My disapproving whimpers and muttering had no effect.
This morning I didn't really know how to react.
I was angry but not angry enough. I was just soooo sleepy last night - unable to do anything - to stop anything.
I was just there, which is why I am more angry at myself, why didn't I react more strongly? It was like all my strength had left me. And mentally I was in dream land.
I got his sorry's and guilt this afternoon and evening. He is still at work.
But it's too late to save this day, I binged. My mother sent me chocolate from my own country.
I ate. Then, I ate potatoes with butter, agedashi tofu, bread, butter, cheese, rice, sushi ...
Damn it.
Today is the 20th anniversary of my father's death. This is the first time I cannot visit his grave.
Homework, homework, homework. I hate my biology teacher. I don't hate in general but I hate her.
Wednesday, February 9, 2011
Lovely Terrible Life
We had another fight 2 days ago.
We're never this violent though. He would never ever lay his hands on me but the apartment got roughed up.
Water bottles flying into walls, fruit being smashed against the white doors, carpet and walls, coffee table got what it deserved too.
It ended the way it always does. Talking about breaking-up, if I can stay until school is finished and all that.
Then we make a turn-around and I feel sorry for him and I guess he takes pity on me and we realize that no one will ever love the other one as much as the other person does. Except, I'm not sure about the love part still.
Food wise I've been doing good. I think.
I have breakfast each morning and then salad for lunch and salad for dinner. Fruit in between if I have calories left over - which I usually do. The budget is 1000 but I haven't gone over it so far.
It's safe to say that the "binge" day is absent and will stay absent. Thank you life.
To tell you the truth, life has been so stressful lately that I haven't had time to stress as much as I usually do about losing weight. I maintain and I don't pig out - there's always the nagging thought in the back of my head - but it stays that way, in the back of my head.
I'll go find my positivity now. It's around here somewhere. : )
We're never this violent though. He would never ever lay his hands on me but the apartment got roughed up.
Water bottles flying into walls, fruit being smashed against the white doors, carpet and walls, coffee table got what it deserved too.
It ended the way it always does. Talking about breaking-up, if I can stay until school is finished and all that.
Then we make a turn-around and I feel sorry for him and I guess he takes pity on me and we realize that no one will ever love the other one as much as the other person does. Except, I'm not sure about the love part still.
Food wise I've been doing good. I think.
I have breakfast each morning and then salad for lunch and salad for dinner. Fruit in between if I have calories left over - which I usually do. The budget is 1000 but I haven't gone over it so far.
It's safe to say that the "binge" day is absent and will stay absent. Thank you life.
To tell you the truth, life has been so stressful lately that I haven't had time to stress as much as I usually do about losing weight. I maintain and I don't pig out - there's always the nagging thought in the back of my head - but it stays that way, in the back of my head.
I'll go find my positivity now. It's around here somewhere. : )
Monday, February 7, 2011
Eventualities
And I don't want to do anything. This weekend was a real strain on BF's and my relationship.
I couldn't focus on school work and now I'm so far behind. I have no motivation.
We are OK but what he said really got to me. "I don't think I can make you happy."
I felt so bad that I had to convince him that of course he can, however, in my head something else is going on.
Can he? I'm not so sure anymore. It's probably just the depression that causes my lack of emotions.
I've had a clinical depression before and I couldn't even feel sad when my grandma died.
I felt nothing.
This week is gonna be really hectic for BF and semi-hectic for me.
I was supposed to have midterms this week but two (!!) of my instructors postponed it to next week.
I was at 115 lbs with clothes on yesterday. I haven't really been good at restricting - cheating here and there.
I do that when I'm stressed out - partly because I cannot sleep and feel that I need energy - partly because, well,...I'm just bad?
This week is gonna be Breakfast Salad Fruit week.
Meaning, I will have my regular breakfast (Fiber 1 & low fat buttermilk) but during the rest of the day, I'm only allowed to eat salad and fruit. I will of course incorporate as much low cal food as I can in the salad (ex, shrimp, tofu, soy burger, low fat cheese) but no dressings or other fattening stuff.
That's how it's gonna be this week.
Might postpone my "binge" day because I haven't been doing well - although - a part of me still wants to have it so I can get all the food thoughts out of my system. Especially with a new package of something edible coming soon. My mom sent it as I was so incredibly homesick last week.
Alright, time to muster up a somewhat happy exterior and pretend everything is fine.
I will post the Scarp challenge thingy later this week. I'll think of 10 really good things first, I'm a pretty uninteresting person.
Be good and fabulous girls! (And boys!)
Friday, February 4, 2011
Finally Friday
Weekend. I love weekend, except I don't.
My routine gets all jumbled up.
Today I'm gonna clean, do laundry and homework.
I just had breakfast, the usual low fat buttermilk and fiber one. (115) cal.
Yesterday, I was 113 lbs with clothes on and I suspect that I lost a little bit of volume on my thighs. (Yessss!!)
But life is pretty bland and plain right now. Just keep on trucking'.
Be safe, happy and try to find some motivation girls. : )
My routine gets all jumbled up.
Today I'm gonna clean, do laundry and homework.
I just had breakfast, the usual low fat buttermilk and fiber one. (115) cal.
Yesterday, I was 113 lbs with clothes on and I suspect that I lost a little bit of volume on my thighs. (Yessss!!)
But life is pretty bland and plain right now. Just keep on trucking'.
Be safe, happy and try to find some motivation girls. : )
Thursday, February 3, 2011
I'll be your detonator
My car decided to die on me yesterday, on the top of a hill, outside of college.
Not my finest moment.
I pannicked, called BF, tow truck came, 4 hours at Mr. Danny the Mechanic and 500 dollars poorer.
I don't care about the money - but I care about my precious time!!
Mid-term today- Nervous - and another 4 hours of sleep, I'm becoming slightly manic.
Yesterday, I walked up to my biology teacher and told her that I lost my Index-card that she always hands out for practise exercises. She looked at me funny.
"Neri, we USED them, 15 min ago, don't you remember?"
-I didn't remember. And I felt stupid and ashamed.
I'm afraid something worse than a faulty memory will happen if I don't get enough sleep soon.
BF cooked from himself yesterday, he didn't know he's supposed to use cooking spray. The sheet is completely ruined. I'll let it slide.
Food wise, I'm doing OK. I have cut back on food because I want my glass of wine at the end of the day.
That's bad, right? But I'm so stressed right now, I just crave some when all the studying is done...and it's not enough to get me tipsy...don't want to waste that many calories on it.
Not my finest moment.
I pannicked, called BF, tow truck came, 4 hours at Mr. Danny the Mechanic and 500 dollars poorer.
I don't care about the money - but I care about my precious time!!
Mid-term today- Nervous - and another 4 hours of sleep, I'm becoming slightly manic.
Yesterday, I walked up to my biology teacher and told her that I lost my Index-card that she always hands out for practise exercises. She looked at me funny.
"Neri, we USED them, 15 min ago, don't you remember?"
-I didn't remember. And I felt stupid and ashamed.
I'm afraid something worse than a faulty memory will happen if I don't get enough sleep soon.
BF cooked from himself yesterday, he didn't know he's supposed to use cooking spray. The sheet is completely ruined. I'll let it slide.
Food wise, I'm doing OK. I have cut back on food because I want my glass of wine at the end of the day.
That's bad, right? But I'm so stressed right now, I just crave some when all the studying is done...and it's not enough to get me tipsy...don't want to waste that many calories on it.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)