Very little sleep last tonight as well.
Made my goal of 108 lbs...but as soon as I eat that number will go up.
From here on, I probably will stop with the hectic numbers game *no pun intended @ this lovely person*
It messes with my mind and I don't need it.
I'll do it my way and it may take longer, sure, but I won't go insane while chasing next week's target.
My target is a lifelong one...
That said - I wish you all - each and every person reading/liking or disliking what I write (or try to write with my broken English grammar) a very HAPPY NEW YEAR!!
I will let go of some of my control today because today is one day - 2011 is 365 days...
Cheers!!
Oh, and to everyone out there who is feeling super duper down....it will get better. It will. At some point in life. Life is what you make it.
Friday, December 31, 2010
Thursday, December 30, 2010
And I'll Keep It in a Box.
Yesterday, I went to see Black Swan but I was sceptical at first becuase so many people
said it was good. Astrid wrote in her blog that it was total tinspiration and - I agree.
Portman looked stunningly frail.
And people, it's not a "chick" movie just because it features ballet. It's quiet scary and sexual.
The entire movie I kept thinking about how wonderfully thin the girls were. Unfair.
I managed 475 calories yesterday but at 3.30 am I went up and had an apple.
I couldn't sleep. My hipbones (the ones that aren't there) hurt and my back too.
No matter how I sleep, the mattress is too hard and that's how I used to feel when I first came to this country.
Before packing on the "I'm well - I'm healthy - I eat what I want - pounds."
This week has been hard on me and hard on my body. This whole month has.
Started with BF's birthday and the cake-making process. I don't know why I put myself through it.
It's so unnecessary to put myself on the line like that. Stuffing chocolate - that I cannot not eat - under my nose.
Xmas was just another excuse for binging.
Second Xmas, 25th, I ate so much I became sick. Probably that is why I got a fever too.
I was punished for being greedy. I stuffed myself to the breaking point.
And so, here I am, fretting and dreading tomorrow.
We've decided to cook, well, mostly I will cook and he will take instructions and be a helper.
In my brain, I've decided to allow myself even the most calorie rich food (we're having Crepe for dessert-can someone say whipped cream en masse.) to prevent myself from over-eating. I hate it.
There's nothing good about it.
Binging makes me feel bloated, guilty, fat, like a failure,
I get a dry mouth, and it's more time spent in bathroom. But on the other hand, there is that wonderful time when all the yummy things gets devoured.
Destructive. Addictive. Useless?
I need to go buy all the ingredients for tomorrow right now.
I didn't allow myself an apple this morning - it is still stuck in my stomach from the 3.30 am one.
Tomorrow, I will try to eat like normal people eat. Indulge a tiny bit but not over do it.
It's no fun. It's not worth it - but I wonder if I have the willpower and discipline to make it.
Well, here we go.
said it was good. Astrid wrote in her blog that it was total tinspiration and - I agree.
Portman looked stunningly frail.
And people, it's not a "chick" movie just because it features ballet. It's quiet scary and sexual.
The entire movie I kept thinking about how wonderfully thin the girls were. Unfair.
I managed 475 calories yesterday but at 3.30 am I went up and had an apple.
I couldn't sleep. My hipbones (the ones that aren't there) hurt and my back too.
No matter how I sleep, the mattress is too hard and that's how I used to feel when I first came to this country.
Before packing on the "I'm well - I'm healthy - I eat what I want - pounds."
This week has been hard on me and hard on my body. This whole month has.
Started with BF's birthday and the cake-making process. I don't know why I put myself through it.
It's so unnecessary to put myself on the line like that. Stuffing chocolate - that I cannot not eat - under my nose.
Xmas was just another excuse for binging.
Second Xmas, 25th, I ate so much I became sick. Probably that is why I got a fever too.
I was punished for being greedy. I stuffed myself to the breaking point.
And so, here I am, fretting and dreading tomorrow.
We've decided to cook, well, mostly I will cook and he will take instructions and be a helper.
In my brain, I've decided to allow myself even the most calorie rich food (we're having Crepe for dessert-can someone say whipped cream en masse.) to prevent myself from over-eating. I hate it.
There's nothing good about it.
Binging makes me feel bloated, guilty, fat, like a failure,
I get a dry mouth, and it's more time spent in bathroom. But on the other hand, there is that wonderful time when all the yummy things gets devoured.
Destructive. Addictive. Useless?
I need to go buy all the ingredients for tomorrow right now.
I didn't allow myself an apple this morning - it is still stuck in my stomach from the 3.30 am one.
Tomorrow, I will try to eat like normal people eat. Indulge a tiny bit but not over do it.
It's no fun. It's not worth it - but I wonder if I have the willpower and discipline to make it.
Well, here we go.
 |
| Thandi Newton |
Wednesday, December 29, 2010
I don't need it/ But I take what you have/ And I'll keep it
Major anxiety.
BF wanted to go out for lunch, so I investigated Specialty's Menu and Nutrition before going there.
A sandwich is about 700-1500 calories in that place. Looks so healthy but then it is not.
Fatty cheeses and too much layers with fat saturated foods such as Avocado.
Poor Americans - think they are eating healthy but in fact it's not healthy at all.
I had a small Vegan Salad without dressing and bread.
171, so let's say 180 to be on the safe side.
Before that I had an apple, 50.
Bunch of coffee....I dread how to make it through this night.
Omelet 120
Rice crackers 1 1/2 60
Cheese wedge 35
Mandarin 30
Total: 475
I need to clean the place now - I don't want to but I need to put out some energy.
Stay fabulous people!
BF wanted to go out for lunch, so I investigated Specialty's Menu and Nutrition before going there.
A sandwich is about 700-1500 calories in that place. Looks so healthy but then it is not.
Fatty cheeses and too much layers with fat saturated foods such as Avocado.
Poor Americans - think they are eating healthy but in fact it's not healthy at all.
I had a small Vegan Salad without dressing and bread.
171, so let's say 180 to be on the safe side.
Before that I had an apple, 50.
Bunch of coffee....I dread how to make it through this night.
Omelet 120
Rice crackers 1 1/2 60
Cheese wedge 35
Mandarin 30
Total: 475
I need to clean the place now - I don't want to but I need to put out some energy.
Stay fabulous people!
Tuesday, December 28, 2010
I'm well!!
I'm extremely fine now - must have been a 24 h thing. Or 12 h.
Thank you for comments on the pics, however - as we know, our demons in our heads
are never ever satisfied. If I was truly happy there would be no reason for me to be here.
Today, I'm doing 500 cal diet.
Starting with an apple. 50.
But I have to say, I seem to have gotten lost somewhere on the way.
Swept up with all the wonderful determination and willpower that circles around
the blogs I follow and my followers.
My goal was never to lose as FAST as possible - but as much as possible even if it takes time.
I will keep a tight regime until New Year's Eve but after that I need to make adjusments.
I don't even know why I feel the need to make this statement other than I feel like a failure,
and feel like I let people down*people I don't even know* if I don't.
So, now it is out there.
I guess I worry to much what people think about me.
Good thing is that once school starts again, I will lose crazy much, like always.
It gets dangerous, but it's the routine that keeps me to it.
Although, I'm not looking forward to it.
Today, I will go shopping.
I have no money to do so, but I will do it anyway.
After all the crap that went down right before Christmas, I feel like I owe BF and myself, to look my best.
It's a new year for us and we have a loooot of things to work on. BOTH OF US.
I'm determined.
Good luck my fellow bloggers!
And be good.
Bowl of buttermilk and cereal 120
1 1/2 small glass champagne 100
Half bowl of oatmeal 75
Egg white omelet 60
Veggie & Qourn file 1/4th of the bowl. - 70
475!!
Thank you for comments on the pics, however - as we know, our demons in our heads
are never ever satisfied. If I was truly happy there would be no reason for me to be here.
Today, I'm doing 500 cal diet.
Starting with an apple. 50.
But I have to say, I seem to have gotten lost somewhere on the way.
Swept up with all the wonderful determination and willpower that circles around
the blogs I follow and my followers.
My goal was never to lose as FAST as possible - but as much as possible even if it takes time.
I will keep a tight regime until New Year's Eve but after that I need to make adjusments.
I don't even know why I feel the need to make this statement other than I feel like a failure,
and feel like I let people down
So, now it is out there.
I guess I worry to much what people think about me.
Good thing is that once school starts again, I will lose crazy much, like always.
It gets dangerous, but it's the routine that keeps me to it.
Although, I'm not looking forward to it.
Today, I will go shopping.
I have no money to do so, but I will do it anyway.
After all the crap that went down right before Christmas, I feel like I owe BF and myself, to look my best.
It's a new year for us and we have a loooot of things to work on. BOTH OF US.
I'm determined.
Good luck my fellow bloggers!
And be good.
Bowl of buttermilk and cereal 120
1 1/2 small glass champagne 100
Half bowl of oatmeal 75
Egg white omelet 60
Veggie & Qourn file 1/4th of the bowl. - 70
475!!
Monday, December 27, 2010
I'm sick...
 |
| Problematic. |
 |
| Problematic 2. |
I ate extremely much both the 24th and 25th. And I'm talking, "making up for all the years of restricting-much."
Got sick on the 26th - at first I thought it was a hang-over - but after getting a fever, I knew it wasn't.
So, yesterday, I had an orange. Too sick to eat.
Today, I've had cereal and skim milk.
Need to sleep more. So tired.
Friday, December 24, 2010
Of Christmas and Break ups.
Here are days 2 and 3.
I lost. 2 lbs. I now weigh 109 lbs or 49.5 kg.
And that is with a stupid period.
2 days ago, I found out that my cohabitant of a boyfriend met up with his Xgirl, while I was on vacation
in my home country this summer. It hit hard. Especially since I asked him 2 days ago if they still kept in touch.
He said no. And he didn't tell me because he knows I am super duper jealous. I flipped.
But, he would never cheat, I know that, and I know they just met as friends but it still hurt. Oh yeah, I found out by reading his facebook massages. I know - It's bad.
So, he got insanely upset when I texted him my findings and what I had done.
He told me to get the fuck out and that I was a little b****.(Well at least I wasn't a big b****)
I stayed the night at a cheap motel - close to home - I decided that we were indeed done and over. Preferably both.
He was on the same page. SAD COUPLE - BREAKING UP ON CHRISTMAS.
However, it hurt so much after we decided our fate, that I started to cry and I couldn't stop. It hurt so badly.
I don't know what happened but he reached out a hand and hugged me and that was the point when this fight was over.
Was I wrong to check messages - YES. Was he wrong for not telling me - YES.
It has come to the point where he basically can do anything to me but I cannot walk away - because I love him too much. I don't trust him in some ways and I trust him too much in other ways.
I have to work on my bad parts - No more spying or sneaking around - it only hurts me and us as a couple.
Ignorance is bliss.
So, I followed my diet the best I could but it is hard without having access to a kitchen or the ingredients.
Now, It is back to normal - 1000 calories and then I may take the 3 day diet up again on the 27th - it felt extremely GOOD not to count every single calorie. I liked it.
Today's intake:
Breakfast - Cereal and buttermilk -- 120.
Next weeks goal / last day of 2010 / 107 lbs - 48.5 kg.
Day One | ||
| Breakfast Black coffee or tea (Sweet & Low or Equal) or water 1/2 Grapefruit or Juice Changed to Orange. 1 slice toast with 1 Tbsp. Peanut Butter Changed to small amount of butter and low fat cheese. | Lunch 1/2 Cup of Tuna Changed to Cottage Cheese. 1 slice toast Black coffee or tea (Sweet & Low or Equal) or water | Dinner 3 oz. any lean meat. No meat. 1 cup green beans No access to stove. 1 cup carrots Forgot to pack them. 1 cup vanilla ice cream 1 medium apple No access to apple. Black coffee or tea (Sweet & Low or Equal) or water |
Day Two | ||
| Breakfast Black coffee or tea (Sweet & Low or Equal) or water 1 egg (any style) Egg white omelet. 1 slice toast 1 banana | Lunch 1 cup cottage cheese 5 saltine crackers Black coffee or tea (Sweet & Low or Equal) or water | Dinner 2 beef franks or hot dogs Changed to egg white omelet - ate half. 1/2 cup carrots 1 banana No banana. 1 cup broccoli or cabbage Changed to Cauliflower and carrots. 1/2 cup vanilla ice cream Try 1/4 cup Black coffee or tea (Sweet & Low or Equal) or water |
I lost. 2 lbs. I now weigh 109 lbs or 49.5 kg.
And that is with a stupid period.
2 days ago, I found out that my cohabitant of a boyfriend met up with his Xgirl, while I was on vacation
in my home country this summer. It hit hard. Especially since I asked him 2 days ago if they still kept in touch.
He said no. And he didn't tell me because he knows I am super duper jealous. I flipped.
But, he would never cheat, I know that, and I know they just met as friends but it still hurt. Oh yeah, I found out by reading his facebook massages. I know - It's bad.
So, he got insanely upset when I texted him my findings and what I had done.
He told me to get the fuck out and that I was a little b****.
I stayed the night at a cheap motel - close to home - I decided that we were indeed done and over. Preferably both.
He was on the same page. SAD COUPLE - BREAKING UP ON CHRISTMAS.
However, it hurt so much after we decided our fate, that I started to cry and I couldn't stop. It hurt so badly.
I don't know what happened but he reached out a hand and hugged me and that was the point when this fight was over.
Was I wrong to check messages - YES. Was he wrong for not telling me - YES.
It has come to the point where he basically can do anything to me but I cannot walk away - because I love him too much. I don't trust him in some ways and I trust him too much in other ways.
I have to work on my bad parts - No more spying or sneaking around - it only hurts me and us as a couple.
Ignorance is bliss.
So, I followed my diet the best I could but it is hard without having access to a kitchen or the ingredients.
Now, It is back to normal - 1000 calories and then I may take the 3 day diet up again on the 27th - it felt extremely GOOD not to count every single calorie. I liked it.
Today's intake:
Breakfast - Cereal and buttermilk -- 120.
Next weeks goal / last day of 2010 / 107 lbs - 48.5 kg.
Tuesday, December 21, 2010
3 day diet
It's so on.
A fad diet I know, but I want to try it.
And hey, it's only 3 days...what kind of person am I if I cannot even follow it
Breakfast
Black coffee or tea (Sweet & Low or Equal) or water
5 regular saltine crackers
1 oz. (slice) cheddar cheese
1 apple
Only half an apple and added one saltine cracker instead.
Switched cheddar cheese to non-fat mozzarella with even lower calorie content.
Lunch
1 hard boiled egg
1 slice toast
Black coffee or tea (Sweet & Low or Equal) or water
I cannot stand yolk. I did scrambled egg-white in a pan without non stick or oil. 60 cal.
Toast is tasteless.
Dinner
1 cup tuna
1 cup carrots
1 cup cauliflower
1 cup melon
1/2 cup regular vanilla ice cream
Black coffee or tea (Sweet & Low or Equal) or water
Tuna can be replaced with Cottage Cheese, however, I never realized how much I hate it.
It's horrible!
I have no idea how much calories I've consumed, which is a nice thing not to have to worry about. I think that's the only benefit with sticking to a "diet." In fact, this is my very first diet and I was a little worried about the ice cream. I ate it first and then I felt so full. But, chowed down the cauliflower which I actually like.
I did go running today but tomorrow I will only do some shopping, no work out.
I'm gonna hate lunch tomorrow, cottage cheese. Ew. I'd rather go hungry.
A fad diet I know, but I want to try it.
And hey, it's only 3 days...what kind of person am I if I cannot even follow it
Breakfast
Black coffee or tea (Sweet & Low or Equal) or water
5 regular saltine crackers
1 oz. (slice) cheddar cheese
1 apple
Only half an apple and added one saltine cracker instead.
Switched cheddar cheese to non-fat mozzarella with even lower calorie content.
Lunch
1 hard boiled egg
1 slice toast
Black coffee or tea (Sweet & Low or Equal) or water
I cannot stand yolk. I did scrambled egg-white in a pan without non stick or oil. 60 cal.
Toast is tasteless.
Dinner
1 cup tuna
1 cup carrots
1 cup cauliflower
1 cup melon
1/2 cup regular vanilla ice cream
Black coffee or tea (Sweet & Low or Equal) or water
Tuna can be replaced with Cottage Cheese, however, I never realized how much I hate it.
It's horrible!
I have no idea how much calories I've consumed, which is a nice thing not to have to worry about. I think that's the only benefit with sticking to a "diet." In fact, this is my very first diet and I was a little worried about the ice cream. I ate it first and then I felt so full. But, chowed down the cauliflower which I actually like.
I did go running today but tomorrow I will only do some shopping, no work out.
I'm gonna hate lunch tomorrow, cottage cheese. Ew. I'd rather go hungry.
Monday, December 20, 2010
Rhapsody.
BINGE!
Almost, one complete Carls Jr Fishburger (680)
Carls Jr Fish and Chips, but I could only eat 1.5 fish out of 3.
Ate ALL THE CHIPS + ketchup. (710) ...but not completely.
Chocolate cake (300)
1 small cinnabun (175)
Ricecake (40)
(1905)
--------------------------------------
Okay, I'm back, back to sanity.
Wow, the food wasn't even good, haha but I just shoved a days worth of calories down my mouth in 15 min.
Time to get back to reality. I don't like it, bloated stomach ...urgh. Hate it.
I decided to clean the apt for almost 2 hours.
Tomorrow, I will do some shopping and go running. God knows I need it.
Fat cow is what I am now. But it shows that I am just human. ....
Sunday, December 19, 2010
What is to come.
Sometimes I get so angry, I want to yell and scream at a certain person.
I want to tell him, what is common sense and what is not.
I want to make him do everything that I think is 'the right way'....
...but he is an Alpha male...and they don't take suggestions very well.
They never change.
I change. I can change.
I want to stop. Stop Stop. Stop. Stop.
Go to hell ...censured / curse words/ evil thoughts.
He can eat his effin cake himself. I don't want any.
Cake is for losers. I don't need it.
I want to tell him, what is common sense and what is not.
I want to make him do everything that I think is 'the right way'....
...but he is an Alpha male...and they don't take suggestions very well.
They never change.
I change. I can change.
I want to stop. Stop Stop. Stop. Stop.
Go to hell ...
He can eat his effin cake himself. I don't want any.
Cake is for losers. I don't need it.
Friday, December 17, 2010
Consequential Apathy
Well....tadaaaaa 111 llbs.
Haahaha, almost laughable.
Charlie, thanks for the advice.
I'm going to the mountains this weekend, so I need to eat more to have strenght AND fun.
I used to do that too actually, eat more during weekends, but that was when I thought I had recovered.
Wait, I still have recovered!! To a certain point, I don't go Xtreme any more. Too afraid to cause unrepairable damage so I won't be able to have kids or something alike.
Anyway, muscles weigh more than fat anyhow. I tell EVERYONE that, but when it comes to me...I just don't listen to what I actually KNOW.
Stay strong everyone!! ENJOY THE WEEKEND!! = )
Haahaha, almost laughable.
Charlie, thanks for the advice.
I'm going to the mountains this weekend, so I need to eat more to have strenght AND fun.
I used to do that too actually, eat more during weekends, but that was when I thought I had recovered.
Wait, I still have recovered!! To a certain point, I don't go Xtreme any more. Too afraid to cause unrepairable damage so I won't be able to have kids or something alike.
Anyway, muscles weigh more than fat anyhow. I tell EVERYONE that, but when it comes to me...I just don't listen to what I actually KNOW.
Stay strong everyone!! ENJOY THE WEEKEND!! = )
Thursday, December 16, 2010
Who Would've Thought
I dream of chocolate cake and cream puffs each night before I go to sleep.
I dream of having a binge day, but I fear too much during the day time.
Last night, I was sure that I would go to Safeway and pick up some LOW CAL ice cream
for today, but now I know better, I won't even go near the ail.
BF's birthday is coming up and I need to make a cake.
Scary. But I've already allowed myself one piece on Sunday.
Tomorrow is weigh in and picture time.
If it turns out that I haven't lost I will make changes. I just don't know what kind of changes.
Maybe my muscles need to rest in between work outs? Maybe I need MORE work out?
Maybe I need to have a little bit more calories to avoid starvation mode? Maybe I need to cut back on calories?
Stressing out, stressing out!!
Breakfast: Cereal + Skim milk (100)
Snack: Mandarin (30)
Lunch: Buttermilk + half banana (110), Whole grain Lavash with soy-burger and salsa (200)
Snack: Pear (50)
Dinner: egg-white omelet (130) 2.5 glasses of wine (250), thin-bread with cheese wedge (95), 15 grapes (40) cheese-wedge (35), rice cracker (40)
Total: 1080
I dream of having a binge day, but I fear too much during the day time.
Last night, I was sure that I would go to Safeway and pick up some LOW CAL ice cream
for today, but now I know better, I won't even go near the ail.
BF's birthday is coming up and I need to make a cake.
Scary. But I've already allowed myself one piece on Sunday.
Tomorrow is weigh in and picture time.
If it turns out that I haven't lost I will make changes. I just don't know what kind of changes.
Maybe my muscles need to rest in between work outs? Maybe I need MORE work out?
Maybe I need to have a little bit more calories to avoid starvation mode? Maybe I need to cut back on calories?
Stressing out, stressing out!!
Breakfast: Cereal + Skim milk (100)
Snack: Mandarin (30)
Lunch: Buttermilk + half banana (110), Whole grain Lavash with soy-burger and salsa (200)
Snack: Pear (50)
Dinner: egg-white omelet (130) 2.5 glasses of wine (250), thin-bread with cheese wedge (95), 15 grapes (40) cheese-wedge (35), rice cracker (40)
Total: 1080
Wednesday, December 15, 2010
I'll Build a Stairway to Paradise
I am soooo tired.
Today I slept longer than BF and that NEVER happens.
I am tired before I work out, tired after work out, tired all the time.
I've also made a startling discovery.
When I was in school, I only had salad and coffee each day. Sometimes a yogurt and rice cracker too.
Last 2 or 3 days, I've been eating basically the same amount calories as before. However, keep in mind I did have tiny snacks when I got home from school before, whereas now I just eat a cooked lunch and no snack.
When dinner time roles around about 7.00 (19.00) I am STILL full.
I don't want to eat because I am still uncomfortably full. If I don't eat, I will eat around 500 cal a day and I don't believe in that either. I've recovered enough to not want to hurt my body THAT much.
So last night, I chowed down my baked potato and when it was time for fruit, I had lost my appetite.
Just something for me to think about.
I think too much these days.
Today.
Breakfast: Cereal and Milk (100)
Lunch: Eggwhite omelette (130), Brownrice Onigiri (75), Thinbread with cheesewedge (105),
tried an apple but couldn't finish it (40)
Snack: rice cracker with cheesewedge (75)
Dinner: misosoup with tofu (80), flat bread soy wrap (220), baked potatoe (235)
Total so far: 1060
Today I slept longer than BF and that NEVER happens.
I am tired before I work out, tired after work out, tired all the time.
I've also made a startling discovery.
When I was in school, I only had salad and coffee each day. Sometimes a yogurt and rice cracker too.
Last 2 or 3 days, I've been eating basically the same amount calories as before. However, keep in mind I did have tiny snacks when I got home from school before, whereas now I just eat a cooked lunch and no snack.
When dinner time roles around about 7.00 (19.00) I am STILL full.
I don't want to eat because I am still uncomfortably full. If I don't eat, I will eat around 500 cal a day and I don't believe in that either. I've recovered enough to not want to hurt my body THAT much.
So last night, I chowed down my baked potato and when it was time for fruit, I had lost my appetite.
Just something for me to think about.
I think too much these days.
Today.
Breakfast: Cereal and Milk (100)
Lunch: Eggwhite omelette (130), Brownrice Onigiri (75), Thinbread with cheesewedge (105),
tried an apple but couldn't finish it (40)
Snack: rice cracker with cheesewedge (75)
Dinner: misosoup with tofu (80), flat bread soy wrap (220), baked potatoe (235)
Total so far: 1060
Tuesday, December 14, 2010
Who I am Hates Who I 've Been.
Actually, still hating on myself I think.
I love love love the show Superfat vs Superskinny.
I'm struggling with what I should do about all the spare time I have these days.
I feel so guilty. Still pretty knackered though from all the school work and fights from before.
Maybe napping is good?
I have an insane idea I would like to try just for a day.
I want to try (because I die for cream puffs) to eat my daily intake of calories by just eating cream puffs.
One puff = 220 so I can have like 5 in a day, which would result in 1100 and I can live with that.
I'm thinking they are very filling because of the high fat, so it's kind of like Atkins diet.
But then again, can I really allow myself something I like.
Nope, I doubt it's gonna happen. Sucks.
Today's intake:
Breakfast: Cereal and Milk (100)
Lunch: Soyburger with veggies (120), 1 brown rice onigiri (75), Ricecracker with cheese (75), Orange (50)
Shit loads of coffee!!
Snack: Apple (50)
Dinner: Miso soup (80) Potato with teaspoon butter (235), 1/2 flatbread with cheese (105) fruit (110)
Total: 1000
I love love love the show Superfat vs Superskinny.
I'm struggling with what I should do about all the spare time I have these days.
I feel so guilty. Still pretty knackered though from all the school work and fights from before.
Maybe napping is good?
I have an insane idea I would like to try just for a day.
I want to try (because I die for cream puffs) to eat my daily intake of calories by just eating cream puffs.
One puff = 220 so I can have like 5 in a day, which would result in 1100 and I can live with that.
I'm thinking they are very filling because of the high fat, so it's kind of like Atkins diet.
But then again, can I really allow myself something I like.
Nope, I doubt it's gonna happen. Sucks.
Today's intake:
Breakfast: Cereal and Milk (100)
Lunch: Soyburger with veggies (120), 1 brown rice onigiri (75), Ricecracker with cheese (75), Orange (50)
Shit loads of coffee!!
Snack: Apple (50)
Dinner: Miso soup (80) Potato with teaspoon butter (235), 1/2 flatbread with cheese (105) fruit (110)
Total: 1000
Monday, December 13, 2010
It Takes a Fool to Remain Sane
And it takes an anorexic at least 30 min to finish a meal.
Or, maybe that's just me.
Anyway. Yesterday, I did go running. 30 min, 6 mph, I was sweating like a pig but not really tired.
I thank too much coffee.
Today is a lazy day, I need to do the "women" chores around the place or they won't get done.
Means, washing dishes, washing clothes, clean the apt and clean for the pet.
I also want to make dinner tonight and I need to go a buy some wine.
The last part I like because I can walk to the store today, so I burn some more calories.
Oh, yeah and of course the gym.
Today's intakes:
Breakfast: Skim milk and cereal (100)
Lunch: Egg-white omelet with cheese (130), Salad (40)
Snack: Pear (50) Apple (50)
Dinner: 2 Portions of brown rice (300) Spicy wine (200) 2 ginger cookies (100)
Total: 970, give or take a couple
Question: I'm a poor student, and I don't have school any more. What am I supposed to do with my time?
I will go insane if I cannot move around because then I cannot justify eating anything at all.
I can go to the mall, sure but what else...please give me tips. I'm just lost.
Or, maybe that's just me.
Anyway. Yesterday, I did go running. 30 min, 6 mph, I was sweating like a pig but not really tired.
I thank too much coffee.
Today is a lazy day, I need to do the "women" chores around the place or they won't get done.
Means, washing dishes, washing clothes, clean the apt and clean for the pet.
I also want to make dinner tonight and I need to go a buy some wine.
The last part I like because I can walk to the store today, so I burn some more calories.
Oh, yeah and of course the gym.
Today's intakes:
Breakfast: Skim milk and cereal (100)
Lunch: Egg-white omelet with cheese (130), Salad (40)
Snack: Pear (50) Apple (50)
Dinner: 2 Portions of brown rice (300) Spicy wine (200) 2 ginger cookies (100)
Total: 970, give or take a couple
Question: I'm a poor student, and I don't have school any more. What am I supposed to do with my time?
I will go insane if I cannot move around because then I cannot justify eating anything at all.
I can go to the mall, sure but what else...please give me tips. I'm just lost.
Sunday, December 12, 2010
Hit Me with Your Best Shot.
Come on and hit me with your best shot.
Last night, I binged. And oh, did I binge.
I thought I would make a day out of it, you know, really plan it out some time next week and get everything that I wanted.
It didn't happen, it happened yesterday.
BF and me went to a Korean place and we had tofu and spicy seafood. I had rice and all the wonderful
side dished. After that, we went to get cream puffs, and I said, well, maybe I can have one too.
So I did. Strawberry flavor. And let me tell you, the one who invented cream puff's should get the Nobel Prize.
At home, around 10.00 pm or 22.00 I noticed BF was snappy. I thought, he needs food. Maybe we can have a cozy evening and I heated bread, got different kinds of cheese and grapes. I was happy.
But not satisfied.
I decided to have 3 cinnabon's after that and about 10 ginger cookies and that concluded the day as a binge.
Of course, I am in panic mode today. Especially, since I need to do a Dim Sum lunch in a couple of hours.
But, I am OK. I am surprised over how well I am taking it.
At first I was thinking I should fast - really punish myself - and go running like a maniac.
However, it's not my style. Yes, I screwed up but it was the first time in over a month.
What I need to do is to get back on track.
I haven't been running in 4 days because there hasn't been any time. Literally, NO TIME.
I have been nervous, sleeping extremely poorly, saving my relationship * crying, yelling, emotional power play* and yesterday's hang over was probably what pushed me over.
I will go running today. I need to.
I am sorry, long post.
Goal for Friday is still 108.
Not sure how to achieve it yet, I don't want to eat less, but I think I have to.
And to everyone else who feels like they are slipping...EVERYONE DOES.
The difference is if you can put it behind you or not.
Thinspiration: Download Supersize vs Superskinny. Fenomenal British show.
Last night, I binged. And oh, did I binge.
I thought I would make a day out of it, you know, really plan it out some time next week and get everything that I wanted.
It didn't happen, it happened yesterday.
BF and me went to a Korean place and we had tofu and spicy seafood. I had rice and all the wonderful
side dished. After that, we went to get cream puffs, and I said, well, maybe I can have one too.
So I did. Strawberry flavor. And let me tell you, the one who invented cream puff's should get the Nobel Prize.
At home, around 10.00 pm or 22.00 I noticed BF was snappy. I thought, he needs food. Maybe we can have a cozy evening and I heated bread, got different kinds of cheese and grapes. I was happy.
But not satisfied.
I decided to have 3 cinnabon's after that and about 10 ginger cookies and that concluded the day as a binge.
Of course, I am in panic mode today. Especially, since I need to do a Dim Sum lunch in a couple of hours.
But, I am OK. I am surprised over how well I am taking it.
At first I was thinking I should fast - really punish myself - and go running like a maniac.
However, it's not my style. Yes, I screwed up but it was the first time in over a month.
What I need to do is to get back on track.
I haven't been running in 4 days because there hasn't been any time. Literally, NO TIME.
I have been nervous, sleeping extremely poorly, saving my relationship * crying, yelling, emotional power play* and yesterday's hang over was probably what pushed me over.
I will go running today. I need to.
I am sorry, long post.
Goal for Friday is still 108.
Not sure how to achieve it yet, I don't want to eat less, but I think I have to.
And to everyone else who feels like they are slipping...EVERYONE DOES.
The difference is if you can put it behind you or not.
Thinspiration: Download Supersize vs Superskinny. Fenomenal British show.
Saturday, December 11, 2010
There's something in my throat...
...yeah, it's called FOOD.
Eh.
Sorry, I am random today, also extremyl hung over.
Jeeze.
Yesterday's event went just fine, too drunk sure, but i didn't eat much because I was so nervous.
I had fish and then salad, and dessert ran out before we could even get to the table.
AWESOME.
Haven't worked out in 2 days. I feel weird.
I wanted to have a binge day on Monday, but unless I am 108, I'm not gonna have it.
And it sucks, beucase I won't be abel to lose 4 llbs in 2 days. *well yeah, I could fast* but I don't believe in fasts. Bad for the body.
Breakfast 100.
Eh.
Sorry, I am random today, also extremyl hung over.
Jeeze.
Yesterday's event went just fine, too drunk sure, but i didn't eat much because I was so nervous.
I had fish and then salad, and dessert ran out before we could even get to the table.
AWESOME.
Haven't worked out in 2 days. I feel weird.
I wanted to have a binge day on Monday, but unless I am 108, I'm not gonna have it.
And it sucks, beucase I won't be abel to lose 4 llbs in 2 days. *well yeah, I could fast* but I don't believe in fasts. Bad for the body.
Breakfast 100.
Friday, December 10, 2010
SAY WHAT?
I'm stuck at 111...what the heck.
OK. I suck.
I'll keep my routine for another week, and if I haven't lost by then, I will modify my work out and possibly the eating too.
Stay lovely!
OK. I suck.
I'll keep my routine for another week, and if I haven't lost by then, I will modify my work out and possibly the eating too.
Stay lovely!
Thursday, December 9, 2010
One bad day, two good days
Everything is fine.
Gawd, why are we so dramatic.
Tomorrow, I will look fabulous.
Maybe a little nice at least. : )
I bought a new dress, size 2.
I don't need that 2. But I have huuuuge bones. And hips. No boobs though.
Come to think about it, my body type is kind of messed up. Just like me.
I suck.
Gawd, why are we so dramatic.
Maybe a little nice at least. : )
I bought a new dress, size 2.
I don't need that 2. But I have huuuuge bones. And hips. No boobs though.
Come to think about it, my body type is kind of messed up. Just like me.
I suck.
Wednesday, December 8, 2010
Ridiculous Post - extremely sappy.
I'm exhausted.
And my relationship is about to end.
Which means, I have NO WHERE TO GO. And also, I LOVE him still.
Fucker. If he pushes me away, I'll go home. Home where people love me and I have friends.
Argh! I HATE giving him control, but last night I was ON MY KNEES crying my eyes out, at 2.30 am, when I had to get up around 7.30 am and have a final.
He is very much in power. It hurts. I want control. I'm pathetic, but I love him so much.
I will comply and oblige to whatever he wants, I will just take it out on myself. I can cut, but most important, I can starve. I can make him see what he does to me.
I'm not stopping. I'm not gonna wake up one day, I know this, but I don't care.
At least I will look fantastically thin while being dead.
And my relationship is about to end.
Which means, I have NO WHERE TO GO. And also, I LOVE him still.
Fucker. If he pushes me away, I'll go home. Home where people love me and I have friends.
Argh! I HATE giving him control, but last night I was ON MY KNEES crying my eyes out, at 2.30 am, when I had to get up around 7.30 am and have a final.
He is very much in power. It hurts. I want control. I'm pathetic, but I love him so much.
I will comply and oblige to whatever he wants, I will just take it out on myself. I can cut, but most important, I can starve. I can make him see what he does to me.
I'm not stopping. I'm not gonna wake up one day, I know this, but I don't care.
At least I will look fantastically thin while being dead.
Tuesday, December 7, 2010
Bring it On
I was so hungry yesterday I had to go up and drink hot milk.
It always does the trick and after that I could sleep again.
I hate this shit. Not being able to sleep. Always cold. And always feeling guilty, even when I have homework to do, because it means I don't get enough exercise.
Stay strong people!!
Have a vision - have goal - try to execute it - Surprise yourself !!
Breakfast: Cereal & Milk (100)
Lunch: Egg white omellete with veggies (160) Rice cracker with cheesewedge (75)
Apple (50)
Snack: Yogurt (80) Small Bowl of Oatmeal (75)
Dinner: Fish (105)
potato (180)
teaspoon butter (35)
sallad (25)
Yogurt (80)
ricecake with cheese (75)
Total: 1040
It always does the trick and after that I could sleep again.
I hate this shit. Not being able to sleep. Always cold. And always feeling guilty, even when I have homework to do, because it means I don't get enough exercise.
Stay strong people!!
Have a vision - have goal - try to execute it - Surprise yourself !!
Breakfast: Cereal & Milk (100)
Lunch: Egg white omellete with veggies (160) Rice cracker with cheesewedge (75)
Apple (50)
Snack: Yogurt (80) Small Bowl of Oatmeal (75)
Dinner: Fish (105)
potato (180)
teaspoon butter (35)
sallad (25)
Yogurt (80)
ricecake with cheese (75)
Total: 1040
Monday, December 6, 2010
Collecting Your Jar of Hearts
Well, it was a bittersweet weekend in many ways.
Each time we make up, we grow immensely but I already know, this is not the last time.
I seriously think we work harder on our relationship than many people who are already married do.
Last Friday I didn't work-out because I was exhausted after group-meeting.
My solution, so I wouldn't panic, was to work out yesterday.
Unfortunately, I also drank way too much vodka och wine.
I wasn't kind to my body. Ha, ironic, but ...yeah.
I always try to get everything the body needs in terms of nutrition.
Well, except for the fact that I don't EAT that much. I don't stay away from carbs, little bit of fat and
I know I love protein too much.
I just have a feeling that my body will work with me if I take care of it. And when I start to eat more one-sided things, it's not gonna be happy with me, because I lose energy and prominent things that I need.
Stay strong ladies...(and men).
Don't forget that tomorrow is a new day. One step closer.
Breakfast: Cereal + Milk (100)
Snack: Pear (50)
Lunch: Salad, Yogurt, 2 rice crackers with cheese wedge (115) (40) (80)
Snack: half banana (50) half oatmeal (75)
miso soup (40)
Dinner: Eggwhite omelette (130) Baked smaller sized potatoe (180), Rice cracker with cheese (75), Half banana (50) Yogurt (80)
TOTALT: 1065
I am so so so so so tired. Gawd, I hate it. >_<
Each time we make up, we grow immensely but I already know, this is not the last time.
I seriously think we work harder on our relationship than many people who are already married do.
Last Friday I didn't work-out because I was exhausted after group-meeting.
My solution, so I wouldn't panic, was to work out yesterday.
Unfortunately, I also drank way too much vodka och wine.
I wasn't kind to my body. Ha, ironic, but ...yeah.
I always try to get everything the body needs in terms of nutrition.
Well, except for the fact that I don't EAT that much. I don't stay away from carbs, little bit of fat and
I know I love protein too much.
I just have a feeling that my body will work with me if I take care of it. And when I start to eat more one-sided things, it's not gonna be happy with me, because I lose energy and prominent things that I need.
Stay strong ladies...(and men).
Don't forget that tomorrow is a new day. One step closer.
Breakfast: Cereal + Milk (100)
Snack: Pear (50)
Lunch: Salad, Yogurt, 2 rice crackers with cheese wedge (115) (40) (80)
Snack: half banana (50) half oatmeal (75)
miso soup (40)
Dinner: Eggwhite omelette (130) Baked smaller sized potatoe (180), Rice cracker with cheese (75), Half banana (50) Yogurt (80)
TOTALT: 1065
I am so so so so so tired. Gawd, I hate it. >_<
Saturday, December 4, 2010
It's a nice day for a white wedding
Well, not really. It's dark skies and gonna rain.
However, we broke up yesterday.
Then we un-did it.
I drank a bottle of wine. A whole bottle of wine.
I think we can still make it because we actually do have tons and tons of love for each other.
What we don't have is space. We are each others best friends. We are each others only friends.
I think I need to make friends. I think that's our key to surviving all the bumps (huge effin' mountains) in the road.
Today I will work-out anyway, even though it's Saturday and it's my "free" day.
My skinny jeans started to "sag" on me yesterday. It felt good - but at the same time - I just bought those jeans. Annoying.
Goal for next Friday 108 or 49 kg.
However, we broke up yesterday.
Then we un-did it.
I drank a bottle of wine. A whole bottle of wine.
I think we can still make it because we actually do have tons and tons of love for each other.
What we don't have is space. We are each others best friends. We are each others only friends.
I think I need to make friends. I think that's our key to surviving all the bumps (huge effin' mountains) in the road.
Today I will work-out anyway, even though it's Saturday and it's my "free" day.
My skinny jeans started to "sag" on me yesterday. It felt good - but at the same time - I just bought those jeans. Annoying.
Goal for next Friday 108 or 49 kg.
Friday, December 3, 2010
Over, over, over, over, over....over?
Weigh in today was 111 lbs or 50.something, Kg.
Good Job, good job, now if I can only keep my boyfriend that would be excellent too.
Looks like we are done for it, 4 years goes Byebye THAT easy.
Oh well.
He'd ripped all of the pictures of him and me off the wall.
I can't find them, but I don't think he threw them out....I mean, they are mine.
My frames, my memories.
I still love him. But I don't trust him and he keeps disappointing me.
Worst timing every. It's always the worst timing ever, but com on, Final week and
my first Xmast AWAY from my family so I could spend it with him.
I better check if it's too late to get the I-20 form signed.
Maybe I will go home - maybe not. I don't want to use it as a threat because that's playing DIRTY.
OK, so after Vodka I took 10 painkillers....they didn't work. I woke up around 6 anyway.
Sometimes I wish I never woke up at all.
Breakfast: Cereal + milk (100)
Pear (50)
2 ricecrackers (80), 1 cheesewedge (35), yoghurt (80), clear veggi soup (40)
Dinner: Eggwhite omelette with soyburger (200), 3 glasses of wine (300), rice cracker with cheesewedge (75)
Total so far:960
Good Job, good job, now if I can only keep my boyfriend that would be excellent too.
Looks like we are done for it, 4 years goes Byebye THAT easy.
Oh well.
He'd ripped all of the pictures of him and me off the wall.
I can't find them, but I don't think he threw them out....I mean, they are mine.
My frames, my memories.
I still love him. But I don't trust him and he keeps disappointing me.
Worst timing every. It's always the worst timing ever, but com on, Final week and
my first Xmast AWAY from my family so I could spend it with him.
I better check if it's too late to get the I-20 form signed.
Maybe I will go home - maybe not. I don't want to use it as a threat because that's playing DIRTY.
OK, so after Vodka I took 10 painkillers....they didn't work. I woke up around 6 anyway.
Sometimes I wish I never woke up at all.
Breakfast: Cereal + milk (100)
Pear (50)
2 ricecrackers (80), 1 cheesewedge (35), yoghurt (80), clear veggi soup (40)
Dinner: Eggwhite omelette with soyburger (200), 3 glasses of wine (300), rice cracker with cheesewedge (75)
Total so far:960
Thursday, December 2, 2010
Terrible terrible outlooks.
Why is he so disrespectful?
I cannot stand it anymore.
Edit:
Tonight I will drink my calories.
Vodka, thank you.
I cannot stand it anymore.
Edit:
Tonight I will drink my calories.
Vodka, thank you.
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