And I don't want to do anything. This weekend was a real strain on BF's and my relationship.
I couldn't focus on school work and now I'm so far behind. I have no motivation.
We are OK but what he said really got to me. "I don't think I can make you happy."
I felt so bad that I had to convince him that of course he can, however, in my head something else is going on.
Can he? I'm not so sure anymore. It's probably just the depression that causes my lack of emotions.
I've had a clinical depression before and I couldn't even feel sad when my grandma died.
I felt nothing.
This week is gonna be really hectic for BF and semi-hectic for me.
I was supposed to have midterms this week but two (!!) of my instructors postponed it to next week.
I was at 115 lbs with clothes on yesterday. I haven't really been good at restricting - cheating here and there.
I do that when I'm stressed out - partly because I cannot sleep and feel that I need energy - partly because, well,...I'm just bad?
This week is gonna be Breakfast Salad Fruit week.
Meaning, I will have my regular breakfast (Fiber 1 & low fat buttermilk) but during the rest of the day, I'm only allowed to eat salad and fruit. I will of course incorporate as much low cal food as I can in the salad (ex, shrimp, tofu, soy burger, low fat cheese) but no dressings or other fattening stuff.
That's how it's gonna be this week.
Might postpone my "binge" day because I haven't been doing well - although - a part of me still wants to have it so I can get all the food thoughts out of my system. Especially with a new package of something edible coming soon. My mom sent it as I was so incredibly homesick last week.
Alright, time to muster up a somewhat happy exterior and pretend everything is fine.
I will post the Scarp challenge thingy later this week. I'll think of 10 really good things first, I'm a pretty uninteresting person.
Be good and fabulous girls! (And boys!)
Sometimes I say I've been really busy, when really I've been depressed, too. I especially use this one as an excuse to give my friends when I just want to go on a "social hiatus."
ReplyDeleteI have no motivation for school work right now, either. I think it was something to do with the lack of sunlight causing me to be sluggish and sad. But then again, I've felt this way in the spring, too, so maybe Vitamin D deprivation has absolutely nothing to do with it.
You can get through this crap, though. I have a feeling you've overcome this before. Here's a virtual hug for you. :)
Feel better, girl! Good luck with all things concerning you and your boyfriend.
ReplyDeletexo
Victoria
i think it's great that you've been able to maintain through all the stress and depression. you can make it through it, it's just that life can be such a bummer sometimes.
ReplyDeletei like you're food plan for the week, good luck!
hugs,
Lu
Good luck with all the stuff coming up - your food plan and the midterms.
ReplyDeleteSorry about all the stress. Reassure your boyfriend that he DOES make you happy, and that you DO want to be with him. It's really important to do that.
<3