Life's Irony

I just discovered something weird.
I decided that as long as I'm in denial, I'm not gonna move forward or make any progress.
And yes, I have been cheating and binging.
So, I took my measurements today and I got on the scale. The scale from hell. The scale that I hate.

The weird thing I discovered is that my stats are THE SAME that I had as a starting point the last time around.
Except the thighs, which were 4 cm bigger than before. Eeeeh, OK.
I can work with that. So without any further notice, here are the troubling numbers.
Everything is measured from the thickest part and after an extreme binge.
No more hiding and no more waiting.

Right Thigh: 52 cm
Right Arm: 23 cm
Hips: 89 cm
Waist: 73 cm
Weight: 123 lbs or 56 kg

It's so on.

On a Steady Path

Alright, I made a change in my strategy.
No fasting today because I am afraid that will only lead to failure and then I will get more depressed.

I will eat normal today. A small step is at least a movement i the right direction.

Some of you might laugh, but hey, I do good - I do bad.
I'm only human. Although I claim to be a vampire.

So far: Banana 100
Cereal & Milk 100
Miso soup with tofu 80
Crisp bread with cheese wedge 75

Total: 355

Chapter ll

I have a head ache a massive pounding in my head.


I know that it's because I eat. It gives people headaches, like physically, because of the bad nutrition.


No breakfast today, but when I come home I just want to eat more. And more and more.
It's so sick. Within this week I said...let's hope for the best.


I calculated that it's exactly 71 days until I will go to Japan. Seriously, 71 days is nothing when you are trying to lose weight. It goes so fast and I know how I usually do it - hardcore but I always end up with a delay in the initial phase. No good, no good.

For 12 days I have been binging like a mad cow. And I don't mean, "oh, I had 2 slices of pizza."
We are talking MASSIVE - HUMONGOUS amounts of food intake. Several thousands of calories a day.
Ex.)  1.4 Liter of ice cream on top of bread, peanut butter, 5 muffins, pasta with cheese. And so on...

I'm a purgophobiac, so I refuse to throw up no matter how badly I want to. If I do, it means I've failed my own failure. Anorexics usually do not throw up and since I was labeled a specific label, instead of EDNOS, I see bulimia as a secondary eating disorder - something I do not engage or take part of  and so even if I have failed my anorexic thought patterns, I refuse to engage in binging AND purging. I just stick with the first one.

 It kind of relates to how I thought I was cured if I just kept eating and eating and not caring about gaining weight. Turns out, that is not recovery at all that's just a mask - a screen, a filter.

However, I don't want to die. I'm not ready to eat myself to death just yet. There are things I want to do. People I love. And it's shameful going to college each day, trying to hide my stomach, since I really do look preggo now because of all the food I stuff myself with. I feel shame and guilt. I'm trying to be a good person and I don't deserve to feel shame and guilt each day.

 RIP

I'm terrified to be recognized by someone when I by my drugs (aka, all the binge foods). I'm terrified to be seen holding food in the elevator and being recognized by a neighbor. I dread the thought of going to the gym (oh, my gym - that I usually love love love) because I feel shame that I actually NEED to go to a gym. 

I wonder if I have some sort of social-phobia? Probably so.

 Due to all of these factors - I'll start a new chapter in my life right now - Chapter II. 
This blog was about me getting back into shape but not re-introducing my strange and obsessive eating patterns. I got caught up and it spiraled both physically and emotionally. Who would've thought?
I should know better at my age.

I'm looking at different diets, since I don't really want to count calories again. It makes me messed up in the head. On the opposite side, I fear if I don't count calories I will reduce portions to such an extent that I will go back into starvation. The lesser of two evils?

 

This post is not about complaining nor is it to evoke empathy. I want to make use and make sure I caption what I feel at the moment. How can I improve myself and not get lost on the way. I get swept up in things far too easily.

I'm thinking about doing a fast tomorrow - and then eat a little on Friday.
It sounds like a simple task but since my stomach is as big as the land mass that was Pangaea, I'm going to be a very very hungry girl.

Whatever it takes. And I want to look pretty the first time I meet my future-mother in law in 70 days.

End of Story.

Liquid Paper

Can I have some liquid paper to erase the last 10 days of failure?

I have been binging. On the verge to being sick - actually not on the verge - I was sick.
Felt like my stomach was about to explode. Then I waited 1.5 h and had some more.
Seconds, Thirds, Fourths - Eat until EVERYTHING is gone.

I even took it so far to throw away everything "tempting" we had at home.
Next day, I bought other stuff that I wanted.
I'm in trouble, a little bit in too much trouble.

OK. I have a lunch appointment on Friday, I need to eat then.
But preferably, I want to get back to restricting again within this week.
If I can do it within this week, it is fixable. If not..ugggh, I don't want to think about it.

Every blog here inspires me to start over, again and again, and again.
Unfortunately, it needs to be MY timing.
Oh,well. Life goes on.

On the positive side, I got the courage to talk to BF about getting engaged.
He said, he was afraid I didn't want to becuase;
1. I'm a feminist. 2. I'm not conventional.
That is correct, he is right, but for this matter - I dooooo.
1. Domestic partner sounds like I am gay each time I say it.
2. It is part of my culture too even though I'm not talking about a big as engagement ring. That's a no no.

But I felt good for finally have put it out there. And I know he does too.
Sweet.

Where's my sweet oat cracker...gimmie, gimmie, gimmie.

Be strong?

It feels like a whisper in my ear - "Be strong."
And so familiar since that is what I tell everyone else to be.
"Be strong."

Yes. Yes. Yes. I will be strong. You don't need a new year to start over.
You need a new day. Today happens to be a new day. My new day.

When I am nervous I do 3 things. Talk non-stop. If I am really panicked I cry.
And, I eat. A lot. Mount Everest much.
The first days of the quarter is over and I need to control my nervousness and, literally not, eat it away.

I can do this. I can do this again, even though my face is so bloated from all the strange food I chowed down yesterday. It's a game. I need to learn how to get into it and navigate - kind of like Pac Man.
And although I have been doing good before, I believe it's important to share my failures too.
I used to be focused and strong but lately - for about a week - I've been...trying to make up for all the food I've refused to eat. And so, I ate.

No more. I'm sorry for a very depressing long post, however, this is my therapy and I need to get it out.

I found myself having a really hard time getting out of bed this morning.
It doesn't happen to me usually. I have the feeling that I don't have too much to look forward to
and motivate me at the moment.
Holiday season was simple, I wanted to look super fragile and look nice for everyone and for myself.
Events after events.

What about now? 13 weeks of dread. 13 weeks of hardcore studying. (Because B's are apparently unacceptable) After 13 weeks awaits a vacation to a country where prostitution, in form of Geishas, is legal.
But 13 weeks is so very,extremely, far away.

So, what should I do?
Be cliche and go for Valentines Day as the day I need to look fragile again? I'm not sure. And after all, I want to STAY that way, not just a temporary thing.

I need to be controlled to get good grades, I need it to be healthy, I need it to be happy.
All in all, my unhappiness creates my happiness.
And I do love the man I live with but I cannot tell him all of this.

Stay Lovely. I know everyone of you are strong and I enjoy very much reading all the blogs when I feel down.
It makes me stronger. And it makes me realize that we are all humans. Humans in struggle.
Too sappy? Well, stop reading then.

These Pathetic Days

I binge, I binge. I binge. I binge.


Only until I feel I cannot take it anymore
And then I'm off to lose another 10 lbs. I need this.


Only one more day. One more. OR it's gonna be stuck in my mind.
It's like a switch I turn on whenever it's convenient.
Stupid me. Stupid Brain.

Go to gym....

Quickie

Usless post.
Been binging 4 days lately...I always do when I am nervous.
Back to school today. Save me?

It's nice being warm though. I can sleep.
I look like a racoon by the way - dark dark dark circle under eyes.

I'm nervous.
I want to eat tons of bread today.