I'll be on your side

Just had a quick run. It's early in the morning but not dark because of the time saving.
I don't like running in light. Also, stupid cars EVERYWHERE. Go die.

Coffee and breakfast 105 kcal (always the same)

Sallad + Pear - 60 + 50 - 110 kcal

12 Strawberries + Small orange + Cheese wedge - 48 + 50 + 35 - 133 kcal

Miso soup with Tofu + Sallad + half bowl of Veggie & Qourn + 1 Inari + 1 Cali Roll =
80 + 60 + 60 + 130 + 80 = 410 kcal

Total 758 kcal

I am sleepy today and the counting of calories takes time. Time I need. 

Broken windows and empty hall ways

Not much to say, didn't do any excercise yesterday. . . and probably not so much today either.
It's O.K though, tomorrow and the rest of the week I will move my ass a little bit more.
Monday's and Wednesday's I have to work out before school. And do some stretching and stuff after school.
Tuesday's and Thursday's I will do it AFTER school at the gym.
Friday's - Outside, so I can get up and start my day... no classes.

I remember how confident I used to feel when my frame was more on the fragile side.
But it was also a very contradicting feeling. Sometimes I felt like a child that people could take care of.
And they did. No one took me seriously - I could hide myself and be passive. That was nice too.
I suppose some people felt sorry for me and wanted to help.

I specifically remember ordering food or getting coffee with whipped cream (every once in a while) and compared to my friends/siblings I always got so much more. Same employer, but when it was at a place that they could see me, they gave me more stuff. More w.cream.

I felt OK when my BF paraded me around like some sort of price. It was never his intention, of course, and I don't think he noticed it, or even thought about it that way. However, I noticed, I still notice.
I was semi-OK with it back then, because I felt pretty good about myself too at that point. Always uncomfortable around people, sure, but I could take it. Nowdays, he still does that, but I feel ashamed. I am just plain now, just avarage.
Some might argue that I am a sad person because I let my weight determine how I should feel.
I have nothing to say to them, but yes, I know, it is pathetic, but right now I am not strong enough to fight it.
We are all objectified as women and hopefully I can break free from it someday, but it's not now, the time is not right for me.

I think it's going to rain today.

Have a good one. : )


Cereal Skim milk - 105
Apple - 50
Pear - 50
Strawberries + Grapes  + Miso soup - 50 + 50 + 80
Omelette - 200
4 pieces of sushi - 420

= 1005 kcal

Slow start - New beginnings

It is going well. A little too well.
I need to eat more or it will just end up with a very slow metabolism and a cold body.
So far today:
Breakfast: Cereal 105 kcal
Snack: Pear 50 kcal
Lunch: Miso soup, Fruitsallad 35 + 100 kcal = 135 kcal
Snack: Yoghurt + Crispbread 100 + 70 kcal = 170 kcal

Total so far: 460 kcal

I've allowed myself around 1000 a day. I don't want to get into starvation mode again, it will just take so much longer.

I am very sleepy, haven't been allowed proper sleep for some time now. . . living together is hard.
But I would never change anything. Only change myself. 

Clamchowder Light - 110kcal
Sallad + Drink (Vodka Sprite 0) - 70 kcal + 200 kcal

Total: 840 kcal

Morning Glory

2nd day that I wake up - actually get out of bed - and go running.
Also been making some changes to my diet, which means not gobbling down EVERYTING I WANT.
I found out that miso soup fills me up very fast and it is one of my fav anyway, so why not eat it all the time.
Well, not all the time, but you know what I mean . . .

Today is Friday. Weekend. I'm gonna be good.
There's an even earlier event than the December event.
In November. End of November. Every American know about it. Let's just say it revolves a lot around food.
Everything in this country seem to do just that. Food. To me it is astonishing how many people remain thin or "average" here because it is a FOOD culture. And it's cheap too. It's both good and bad I suppose.

Anyway, I hope you have a good day. I will try to.

When it's dark, it's good.

I went up early and actually went jogging.
Just a fast one maybe 15 min but it is better than nothing.
Maybe I can do something when I get back home too.
I feel the need to.

It has begun. I can sense it everywhere. It's gonna make me tired, exhausted, insane but also focused.

Do you see what I see. . .

Scale is stuck on 123lbs or 56 kg (which makes sense) and that is fine.
I'm 5'7 but I am fat.

I haven't cut back yet...but it is time.
There is nothing worse than thighs rubbing together when walking.
At first it was a strange sensation to experience.
It sounds sick, but I was almost fascinated by the changes my body was going through.

Now, I am not fascinated any longer I just want it to go away.  

When Life gets In the Way...

I make silly excuses all the time.
Oh, I don't have this, I don't have that, I just want this before I start...

Well, IT IS hard to go running without sweatpants.
It is getting colder here too.
Halloween was fun.

The event in December is coming up and it worried me.
Damn it, get back in shape.

Preferably now.