One bad day, two good days

Everything is fine.

Gawd, why are we so dramatic.

Tomorrow, I will look fabulous.
Maybe a little nice at least. : )

I bought a new dress, size 2.
I don't need that 2. But I have huuuuge bones. And hips. No boobs though.
Come to think about it, my body type is kind of messed up. Just like me.
I suck.

Ridiculous Post - extremely sappy.

I'm exhausted.

And my relationship is about to end.
Which means, I have NO WHERE TO GO. And also, I LOVE him still.
Fucker. If he pushes me away, I'll go home. Home where people love me and I have friends.

Argh! I HATE giving him control,  but last night I was ON MY KNEES crying my eyes out, at 2.30 am, when I had to get up around 7.30 am and have a final.
He is very much in power. It hurts. I want control. I'm pathetic, but I love him so much.

I will comply and oblige to whatever he wants, I will just take it out on myself. I can cut, but most important, I can starve. I can make him see what he does to me.

I'm not stopping. I'm not gonna wake up one day, I know this, but I don't care.
At least I will look fantastically thin while being dead.

Bring it On

I was so hungry yesterday I had to go up and drink hot milk.
It always does the trick and after that I could sleep again.

I hate this shit. Not being able to sleep. Always cold. And always feeling guilty, even when I have homework to do, because it means I don't get enough exercise.

Stay strong people!!

Have a vision - have  goal - try to execute it - Surprise yourself !!

Breakfast: Cereal & Milk (100)
Lunch: Egg white omellete with veggies (160) Rice cracker with cheesewedge (75)
Apple (50)


Snack: Yogurt (80) Small Bowl of Oatmeal (75)
Dinner: Fish (105)
potato (180)
teaspoon butter (35)
sallad (25)
Yogurt (80)
ricecake with cheese (75)

Total: 1040

Collecting Your Jar of Hearts

Well, it was a bittersweet weekend in many ways.
Each time we make up, we grow immensely but I already know, this is not the last time.
I seriously think we work harder on our relationship than many people who are already married do.

Last Friday I didn't work-out because I was exhausted after group-meeting.
My solution, so I wouldn't panic, was to work out yesterday.
Unfortunately, I also drank way too much vodka och wine.
I wasn't kind to my body. Ha, ironic, but ...yeah.

I always try to get everything the body needs in terms of nutrition.
Well, except for the fact that I don't EAT that much. I don't stay away from carbs, little bit of fat and
I know I love protein too much.
I just have a feeling that my body will work with me if I take care of it. And when I start to eat more one-sided things, it's not gonna be happy with me, because I lose energy and prominent things that I need.

Stay strong ladies...(and men).
Don't forget that tomorrow is a new day. One step closer.

Breakfast: Cereal + Milk (100)
Snack: Pear (50)
Lunch: Salad, Yogurt, 2 rice crackers with cheese wedge (115) (40) (80)
Snack: half banana (50) half oatmeal (75)
miso soup (40)
Dinner: Eggwhite omelette (130) Baked smaller sized potatoe (180), Rice cracker with cheese (75), Half banana (50) Yogurt (80)

TOTALT: 1065

I am so so so so so tired. Gawd, I hate it. >_<

It's a nice day for a white wedding

Well, not really. It's dark skies and gonna rain.
However, we broke up yesterday.

Then we un-did it.

I drank a bottle of wine. A  whole bottle of wine.
I think we can still make it because we actually do have tons and tons of love for each other.
What we don't have is space. We are each others best friends. We are each others only friends.

I think I need to make friends. I think that's our key to surviving all the bumps (huge effin' mountains) in the road.

Today I will work-out anyway, even though it's Saturday and it's my "free" day.

My skinny jeans started to "sag" on me yesterday. It felt good - but at the same time - I just bought those jeans. Annoying.

Goal for next Friday 108 or 49 kg.

Over, over, over, over, over....over?

Weigh in today was 111 lbs or 50.something, Kg.
Good Job, good job, now if I can only keep my boyfriend that would be excellent too.
Looks like we are done for it, 4 years goes Byebye THAT easy.

Oh well.
He'd ripped all of the pictures of him and me off the wall.
I can't find them, but I don't think he threw them out....I mean, they are mine.
My frames, my memories.

I still love him. But I don't trust him and he keeps disappointing me.
Worst timing every. It's always the worst timing ever, but com on, Final week and
my first Xmast AWAY from my family so I could spend it with him.

I better check if it's too late to get the I-20 form signed.
Maybe I will go home - maybe not. I don't want to use it as a threat because that's playing DIRTY.

OK, so after Vodka I took 10 painkillers....they didn't work. I woke up around 6 anyway.
Sometimes I wish I never woke up at all.


Breakfast: Cereal + milk (100)
Pear (50)
2 ricecrackers (80), 1 cheesewedge (35), yoghurt (80), clear veggi soup (40)
Dinner: Eggwhite omelette with soyburger (200), 3 glasses of wine (300), rice cracker with cheesewedge (75)

Total so far:960

Terrible terrible outlooks.

Why is he so disrespectful?

I cannot stand it anymore.

Edit:

Tonight I will drink my calories.
Vodka, thank you.