Who Would've Thought

I dream of chocolate cake and cream puffs each night before I go to sleep.
I dream of having a binge day, but I fear too much during the day time.
Last night, I was sure that I would go to Safeway and pick up some LOW CAL ice cream
for today, but now I know better, I won't even go near the ail.

BF's birthday is coming up and I need to make a cake.
Scary. But I've already allowed myself one piece on Sunday.

Tomorrow is weigh in and picture time.
If it turns out that I haven't lost I will make changes. I just don't know what kind of changes.
Maybe my muscles need to rest in between work outs? Maybe I need MORE work out?
Maybe I need to have a little bit more calories to avoid starvation mode? Maybe I need to cut back on calories?
Stressing out, stressing out!!

Breakfast: Cereal + Skim milk (100)
Snack: Mandarin (30)
Lunch: Buttermilk + half banana (110), Whole grain Lavash with soy-burger and salsa (200)
Snack: Pear (50)
Dinner:  egg-white omelet (130) 2.5 glasses of wine (250), thin-bread with cheese wedge (95), 15 grapes (40) cheese-wedge (35), rice cracker (40)
Total: 1080

I'll Build a Stairway to Paradise

I am soooo tired.
Today I slept longer than BF and that NEVER happens.
I am tired before I work out, tired after work out, tired all the time.

I've also made a startling discovery.
When I was in school, I only had salad and coffee each day. Sometimes a yogurt and rice cracker too.
Last 2 or 3 days, I've been eating basically the same amount calories as before. However, keep in mind I did have tiny snacks when I got home from school before, whereas now I just eat a cooked lunch and no snack.
When dinner time roles around about 7.00 (19.00) I am STILL full.
I don't want to eat because I am still uncomfortably full. If I don't eat, I will eat around 500 cal a day and I don't believe in that either. I've recovered enough to not want to hurt my body THAT much.
So last night, I chowed down my baked potato and when it was time for fruit, I had lost my appetite.

Just something for me to think about.
I think too much these days.

Today.
Breakfast: Cereal and Milk (100)
Lunch: Eggwhite omelette (130), Brownrice Onigiri (75), Thinbread with cheesewedge (105),
tried an apple but couldn't finish it (40)
Snack: rice cracker with cheesewedge  (75)
Dinner: misosoup with tofu (80), flat bread soy wrap (220), baked potatoe (235)

Total so far: 1060

Who I am Hates Who I 've Been.

Actually, still hating on myself I think.

I love love love the show Superfat vs Superskinny.

I'm struggling with what I should do about all the spare time I have these days.
I feel so guilty. Still pretty knackered though from all the school work and fights from before.
Maybe napping is good?

I have an insane idea I would like to try just for a day.
I want to try (because I die for cream puffs) to eat my daily intake of calories by just eating cream puffs.
One puff = 220 so I can have like 5 in a day, which would result in 1100 and I can live with that.
I'm thinking they are very filling because of the high fat, so it's kind of like Atkins diet.

But then again, can I really allow myself something I like.
Nope, I doubt it's gonna happen. Sucks.

Today's intake:
Breakfast: Cereal and Milk (100)
Lunch: Soyburger with veggies (120), 1 brown rice onigiri (75), Ricecracker with cheese (75), Orange (50)
Shit loads of coffee!!
Snack: Apple (50)
Dinner: Miso soup (80) Potato with teaspoon butter (235), 1/2 flatbread with cheese (105) fruit (110)

Total: 1000

It Takes a Fool to Remain Sane

And it takes an anorexic at least 30 min to finish a meal.
Or, maybe that's just me.

Anyway.  Yesterday, I did go running. 30 min, 6 mph, I was sweating like a pig but not really tired.
I thank too much coffee.

Today is a lazy day, I need to do the "women" chores around the place or they won't get done.
Means, washing dishes, washing clothes, clean the apt and clean for the pet.
I also want to make dinner tonight and I need to go a buy some wine.
The last part I like because I can walk to the store today, so I burn some more calories.

Oh, yeah and of course the gym.

Today's intakes:
Breakfast: Skim milk and cereal (100)
Lunch: Egg-white omelet with cheese (130), Salad (40)
Snack: Pear (50) Apple (50)
Dinner: 2 Portions of brown rice (300) Spicy wine (200) 2 ginger cookies (100)

Total: 970, give or take a couple

Question: I'm a poor student, and I don't have school any more. What am I supposed to do with my time?
I will go insane if I cannot move around because then I cannot justify eating anything at all.
I can go to the mall, sure but what else...please give me tips. I'm just lost.

Hit Me with Your Best Shot.

Come on and hit me with your best shot.

Last night, I binged. And oh, did I binge.
I thought I would make a day out of it, you know, really plan it out some time next week and get everything that I wanted.
It didn't happen, it happened yesterday.

BF and me went to a Korean place and we had tofu and spicy seafood. I had rice and all the wonderful
side dished. After that, we went to get cream puffs, and I said, well, maybe I can have one too.
So I did. Strawberry flavor. And let me tell you, the one who invented cream puff's should get the Nobel Prize.
At home, around 10.00 pm or 22.00 I noticed BF was snappy. I thought, he needs food. Maybe we can have a cozy evening and I heated bread, got different kinds of cheese and grapes. I was happy.
But not satisfied.
I decided to have 3 cinnabon's after that and about 10 ginger cookies and that concluded the day as a binge.

Of course, I am in panic mode today. Especially, since I need to do a Dim Sum lunch in a couple of hours.
But, I am OK. I am surprised over how well I am taking it.

At first I was thinking I should fast - really punish myself - and go running like a maniac.
However, it's not my style. Yes, I screwed up but it was the first time in over a month.
What I need to do is to get back on track.
I haven't been running in 4 days because there hasn't been any time. Literally, NO TIME.
I have been nervous, sleeping extremely poorly, saving my relationship * crying, yelling, emotional power play* and yesterday's hang over was probably what pushed me over.

I will go running today. I need to.

I am sorry, long post.
Goal for Friday is still 108.
Not sure how to achieve it yet, I don't want to eat less, but I think I have to.

And to everyone else who feels like they are slipping...EVERYONE DOES.
The difference is if you can put it behind you or not.

Thinspiration: Download Supersize vs Superskinny. Fenomenal British show.

There's something in my throat...

...yeah, it's called FOOD.

Eh.

Sorry, I am random today, also extremyl hung over.
Jeeze.
Yesterday's event went just fine, too drunk sure, but i didn't eat much because I was so nervous.
I had fish and then salad, and dessert ran out before we could even get to the table.
AWESOME.

Haven't worked out in 2 days. I feel weird.

I wanted to have a binge day on Monday, but unless I am 108, I'm not gonna have it.
And it sucks, beucase I won't be abel to lose 4 llbs in 2 days. *well yeah, I could fast* but I don't believe in fasts. Bad for the body.

Breakfast 100.

SAY WHAT?

I'm stuck at 111...what the heck.
OK. I suck.

I'll keep my routine for another week, and if I haven't lost by then, I will modify my work out and possibly the eating too.

Stay lovely!