I'll Race You

It's over. Now i only have essays and finals left.
It's ok. I'm the zen master when it comes to studying. No one's gonna beat me,
especially not my class mates, lazy asses. If you want that A, work for it, don't
do the stupid X credit assignment....X credit is for stupid people who are lazy.
Unless, you actually study and just want to make sure you get that A.

I know I eat way more than most girls around this blog place,
but I've chosen a style that actually works for me. Not only does it help with my weight,
it helps with my entire life. I get organized and it benefist my school work as well.

I have two chocolate calenders this year *it's a cultural thing - waiting for Xmast*
& I will have one piece each day and NOT count those calories.

I will also set a date for a "binge" day, a day I can have everything I want.
I usually dream about these days and gather, like a fucking hamster, so much food for these day's
but then I end up throwing almost everything away, because my eyes want more than my stomach.

I feel good. I still haven't set a goal weight, but I am thinking somewhere around 95.
Of course, if I ever get there, I just want to get further and further...let's hope I can control this time.
I don't have time to be admitted again. Those days are over.
It's almost laughable how I tricked everyone *even myself* and thought I was well.
No such thing. You live with an ED you die with an ED. Tragic, but, it's what I do and I do it well.





Breakfast: Cereal + Milk (100)
Lunch: Banana  (100)
Porridge (150)
Crispbread with cheese wedge (70)
Rice cracker (40)
Dinner: Egg white omelette with Cheese (130)
1/2 portion of Brown Rice (75)
1 Banana (100)
1 Rice cracker (40)
1 Cheesewedge (35)
Some sallad (20)
Miso Soup (35)
Yogurt (80)

Total so far: 975


No comment. Hey, it took me 1.5 year to put on all the weight...it's gonna take TIME getting it off too.
This is where I'm at. Long live THUNDER THIGHS.

In the Cold Cold Night

Monday!

Both yay and no-yay.
It's good to keep busy with school, makes the days go faster and also I keep
to my routine well when time flies.
No-yay...well obviously, school, presentations and essays. FINALS.

These 2 weeks are gonna suck so bad. I am nervous already.

Breakfast:
Cereal & Buttermilk (120)
Lunch: Sallad (50)
Yogurt (80)
Apple (50)
2 Rice crackers (80)
Pear (50)
Dinner:
Flatbread (140) with butter (35) 2 cheese slices (70)
10 grapes (40)
Cheesewedge (35)
Miso soup with Tofu (80)
1 Glass of Wine (110)

Total so far: 940

Might have half of wine, just to reach 1000 or a ricecracker.

Also went running for 40 min.

For Better or Worse

Today is a very special holiday for me.
Also means I need to make gingersnaps and cinnabons.
I've only slept like 6 hours, it's getting more and more difficult to fall asleep these days.

My body wants to put out energy all the time, but my mind is very tired.

I met a person this weekend that I haven't seen in a very long time.
He said, "You got skinny-did you lose weight?" Before I even had a second to respond,
(which of course was a NO, I have not idea what you're talking about) the BF
stepped in and said "No, she's always been like this."
I guess it's true what the say, the people you see every day won't notice as much as yourself.

Either way, that comment means I'm on the right track!
It's a waiting game and I have both discipline and patience (if only I had some grammatical skills as well).
I bet just because I put it on the blog, I'm gonna binge madly and have to feel stupid...but...it's a risk I take.

Oh, right, a question...does anyone know some tricks to keep the body satisfied without eating?
Like, drinking diet drinks or coffee...smoking (BAD FOR YOU - DON'T DO IT) ?
I tend to stick with coffee, decaff and regular at all times...

Breakfast: Cereal + Milk (100)
Apple (50)
Spicy wine (100)
2 Ginger cookies (100)
1 Cinnabon (200)
1 Oat cookie (150)

--------------------------
700 so far...

Thank you, thank you

Alrighty! I feel great, Thanksgiving is basically over.
Wohooo. I survived a whole table of sweets and desert.
I took 2 bites of a petite choux cake.

It was a wonderful thanksgiving, no americans, which was kind of strange considering
the holiday. It was kind of strange standing in front of a table of goodies, I somehow didn't
even want to devour anything. I was scared.

And today's weigh in was 115 llbs or 52 kg.

Next week, I have my heart set on 112. So, I'll do my best.
But it's getting colder and more and more difficult to sleep.
Last night I went to bed with t-shirt, hoodie, socks, and pyjama pants, 3 covers.

I'm not giving up though, it's just a waiting game...if I can't make 2 months then what am I?

So far, breakfast: Buttermilk and cereal (120)
Banana (100)
Pear (50)
Eggwhite omelette (90)
10 grapes (40)
1 ricecracker (40)
1 cheesewedge (35)
apple (50)
Half of miso noodles (275)
Butter milk + 10 grapws (100)
Wine (112)
1 rice cracker (40)
Yoghurt (80)

-----------------------
1132 (Total)

Also went hiking for 2.5. hr and shopping during night time...walking around a loooot.

Of Tinsel and Thorns

Buttermilk & Cereal (120)

Lunch: Fruitsallad (70)
           Sallad with Grapes & Salsa (50)
           Yoghurt (80)
           Half banana (50)

Rice Cake (40)
Apple (50)
460
Diner: To come...



--------------
Good morning!
I have family and friends thinking of me. It feels good. But I know some worry.
And I know they are gonna get a chock next summer when I return.
Oh well.

Thanksgiving is coming up. FOOD! Fattening carbs.
Today I have school then I always go to the gym.
After gym I need to go to Safeway to buy ingredients to make lemon cakes.
BF said he will help me. Sure sure. He can taste them. I refuse too.

I am doing well I think. I have made everything into routine - that way days go faster.
In school I am always nervous. At lunch I always bring salad and coffee. It does fill me up.
But it makes me light headed, especially now when I'm not getting enough sleep.

Found wonderful SUGAR-FREE syrups to put in coffee. I mean, like I said before, If I restrict
my calorie intake, I surly don't want to DRINK my calories...it just doesn't fill me up.

When I see my fat inner thighs, I just tell myself it will take time otherwise I will be discourage.
And discouragement leads to binging. I can't have that, not now, not when everything is so close.

Haven't set an ultimate weight goal but I'm speculating around 100 or 95.
It's gonna take time. But before I know it summer time will  be here - winter time
is a cold pain in the ass. Cold. Cold. Cold.

I will update with pics next week...think it's time to show my real self.
As for now. This is still just therapy.

I would be feeling it anyway

I am tired and have a head ache. Light headed and so much stuff to do.
Breakdown for today:
Cereal Skim milk - 100
Yoghurt - 80
1 Breadroll - 120
1Cheesewedge - 35
1 Riceball [Onigiri] - 75
Pear - 50

Eggwhite Omelette w Cheese - 160

Total 620

Time for dinner,

I'vet got a song inside my head

Today is weekend!
BF was mean yesterday evening but woke up super early, went to the sofa where I was sleeping and
apologized. We are highly dysfunctional but he would never hurt me intentionally.

I had breakfast: Cereal & Skimilk.

I have to try to restrain and be good even though BF is home and sometimes lures me into
eating more or other stuff than I should, making the excuse that it's Saturday.
Well, it is Saturday - but Thanksgiving next week. Gobble, Gobble.

This is for my PERSONAL satisfaction I want to feel like before. When shopping was fun.
When meeting new people was fun because I felt confident.

Stay on track Ladies *or men* and remember your goals and dreams.
Is it really worth eating a slice of cake [300 cal] or can you possibly exchange the cake for something

more filling say 6 apples [300 cal]...I think the apples will fill you up more than the cake will :P


I've decided to be chicken and not post any picture of what I look like right now, but instead I will post what I used to look like.

....Yeah. I want to be like that again.
Have a nice day everyone! Be the best you can be in every regard.