Phew, We survived yet again.
Actually, he became sick and I threw everything aside to take care of him.
That's why I didn't go running today, I know, excuses excuses, but I was exhausted from one bad night sleep and there was just no chance that i could drag my ass out of bed at 6.45 AM.
Hmm, maybe I do have some maternal instict...*shudders*
It's pretty scaring when everything I fight for suddenly becomes reduced to nothing
becuase the person I love transforms me into the stereotype of what a "woman" is suppose to do.
Today I bought:
All Egg Whites
PAM low-cal cooking spray
Low-cal Yogurt
Low-cal Cheese
Low-cal Tortilla, whole wheat
Today I ate:
Cereal + Skimilk 100
2 miniature stuffed bellpepers 100
Sallad 25
Crispbread + Laughing Cow wedge 70
Kiwi 40
10 Grapes 40
Asian Pear 50
Yogurt 80
Total: 505
....dinner to come...
Total:
Wednesday, November 17, 2010
Tuesday, November 16, 2010
Coming back for more?
And so it happened, yet again.
Fighting, what's wrong with us? When it's good it's so incredibly good but when it turns bad (which it always does) it's disaster. Complete CHAOS!
He left last night, I had no idea where he went, but he dropped in at around 11.00 pm drunk and refusing to talk. I talked all morning, but I got no reply. The more I want to communicate the less he wants to speak.
I know this tactic and is hella effective, especially on me, I snap and become furious.
When he slammed the door, my first thought was to find comfort in food. I was debating so hard with myself if it was OK to get a piece of white bread with a fat-ass chunk of butter. I didn't. I would only hurt MYSELF just the same way he hurt me.
I am not slimming down again for him...I am doing it for me. He didn't even like the "super skinny" days.
I don't know if this is the end of a 4 year commitment. I hope not, but honestly I don't know what to think.
Even if we do start talking, I don't know what to say...if he says he is finished, I think I will accept. But I refuse to take the first step becuase I still love. I do. But I want him to be happy and if that cannot happen staying with me...he is free to leave.
I'll just stop eating all together then...at least I have a reason if that happens.
Sorry, very depressing.
Stay strong everyone, no matter what commitment you have made to yourself!
Fighting, what's wrong with us? When it's good it's so incredibly good but when it turns bad (which it always does) it's disaster. Complete CHAOS!
He left last night, I had no idea where he went, but he dropped in at around 11.00 pm drunk and refusing to talk. I talked all morning, but I got no reply. The more I want to communicate the less he wants to speak.
I know this tactic and is hella effective, especially on me, I snap and become furious.
When he slammed the door, my first thought was to find comfort in food. I was debating so hard with myself if it was OK to get a piece of white bread with a fat-ass chunk of butter. I didn't. I would only hurt MYSELF just the same way he hurt me.
I am not slimming down again for him...I am doing it for me. He didn't even like the "super skinny" days.
I don't know if this is the end of a 4 year commitment. I hope not, but honestly I don't know what to think.
Even if we do start talking, I don't know what to say...if he says he is finished, I think I will accept. But I refuse to take the first step becuase I still love. I do. But I want him to be happy and if that cannot happen staying with me...he is free to leave.
I'll just stop eating all together then...at least I have a reason if that happens.
Sorry, very depressing.
Stay strong everyone, no matter what commitment you have made to yourself!
Monday, November 15, 2010
What I don't need...
NEGATIVE ENERGY!
It's difficult sometimes to get away from such people...especially when you're in SUCH a good mood.
But yesterday I managed to turn the BF around from a fowl mood.
Just went for a speedy run and had breakfast. Cereal and black coffee.
I've been trying to find other low-cal cereals, but I don't think I can find lower
than the Fiber one.
Also, I am sorry to say but the Nutrition labels in US is awesome but NOT accurate.
The calorie content is off on almost everything. It's less - even when considering the serving size -
than what it's supposed to be.
I compared the same brands as what I have back home. We don't have everything pre-calculated
in terms of the calorie content/size, but when I did calculate it right...it was no where near the US one.
And people wonder why it's hard to lose weight....I wonder if I smell a conspiracy.
Alrighty...enough for today.
It's difficult sometimes to get away from such people...especially when you're in SUCH a good mood.
But yesterday I managed to turn the BF around from a fowl mood.
Just went for a speedy run and had breakfast. Cereal and black coffee.
I've been trying to find other low-cal cereals, but I don't think I can find lower
than the Fiber one.
Also, I am sorry to say but the Nutrition labels in US is awesome but NOT accurate.
The calorie content is off on almost everything. It's less - even when considering the serving size -
than what it's supposed to be.
I compared the same brands as what I have back home. We don't have everything pre-calculated
in terms of the calorie content/size, but when I did calculate it right...it was no where near the US one.
And people wonder why it's hard to lose weight....I wonder if I smell a conspiracy.
Alrighty...enough for today.
Saturday, November 13, 2010
Little fish, big fish swimming in the water...
Breakfast: Cereal + Skim milk 100
Lunch: Sallad 50 + Cripsbread and Cheese 70 cal + Fruit 75 + Yogurt 80 = 275
Snack: Miso soup 35
Totalt so far: 410
We are thinking about going out for dinner tonight, so I have to save up, even though I am hungry.
I always think of it as my secret stash of calories. Haha, kind of like money in the bank.
I had a good day today, running and then Farmers Market and then a convention thing, it was great.
No fighting, very loving today. Yay.
Hope I don't ruin it. -_-
Take care people. Stay strong even if it's cold outside.
Lunch: Sallad 50 + Cripsbread and Cheese 70 cal + Fruit 75 + Yogurt 80 = 275
Snack: Miso soup 35
Totalt so far: 410
We are thinking about going out for dinner tonight, so I have to save up, even though I am hungry.
I always think of it as my secret stash of calories. Haha, kind of like money in the bank.
I had a good day today, running and then Farmers Market and then a convention thing, it was great.
No fighting, very loving today. Yay.
Hope I don't ruin it. -_-
Take care people. Stay strong even if it's cold outside.
Friday, November 12, 2010
Weekend!
Last night the BF came home and wanted to work out, not only work out, but for me to join him.
Who am I to decline even though I already did work out? I couldn't deny. I didn't want to deny.
I ate a yogurt after, I figured my body could use some calcium and rebuild during the night.
I was suppose to get up early today and work out. Didn't happen.
I couldn't sleep last night - couldn't sleep because I KNEW i had to get up...
I decided my body needed the sleep better than the work out. I can do that tomorrow,
it's just switching the days around since my weekends are generally work out free.
I should go outside today, it's cold but it's sunshine. Get those AD vitamins!
Today consists of homework, cleaning, laundry.
We are going out tonight to see a band at a cafe and I don't know if there will be drinking or eating involved.
Probably, so I want to save some calories for that.
It's kind of messed up but I am always afraid that some items will contain MORE calories than what they actually do. This leads me to always have a buffer of extra calories - but also makes me eat WAY less than what I actually allow myself, afraid that I will go over my limit.
It's funny how I worked so hard to overcome something and then whenever I feel it's convenient to just drag it right back up to the surface. My eating disorder was safely tucked away in the back of my mind for about 2 years. I did great. Until I moved. It spiraled on me and I thought the more I ate the more cured I would be. It worked the opposite of course. And (yes, in US and is acceptable to start a sentence with) now I am right back at square one. Go me! Go regression!
Weigh in today: 120
It's an improvment because I've only been working out for about a week.
So according to calculation, next friday I should be 117.
Breakfast: Cereal & SkimMilk 100 cal
Lunch: 1 cup of Light Soup 100 cal + Cheese Omelette 290 cal
Drink X 2 a 120 cal
Total so far: 730 cal
Who am I to decline even though I already did work out? I couldn't deny. I didn't want to deny.
I ate a yogurt after, I figured my body could use some calcium and rebuild during the night.
I was suppose to get up early today and work out. Didn't happen.
I couldn't sleep last night - couldn't sleep because I KNEW i had to get up...
I decided my body needed the sleep better than the work out. I can do that tomorrow,
it's just switching the days around since my weekends are generally work out free.
I should go outside today, it's cold but it's sunshine. Get those AD vitamins!
Today consists of homework, cleaning, laundry.
We are going out tonight to see a band at a cafe and I don't know if there will be drinking or eating involved.
Probably, so I want to save some calories for that.
It's kind of messed up but I am always afraid that some items will contain MORE calories than what they actually do. This leads me to always have a buffer of extra calories - but also makes me eat WAY less than what I actually allow myself, afraid that I will go over my limit.
It's funny how I worked so hard to overcome something and then whenever I feel it's convenient to just drag it right back up to the surface. My eating disorder was safely tucked away in the back of my mind for about 2 years. I did great. Until I moved. It spiraled on me and I thought the more I ate the more cured I would be. It worked the opposite of course. And (yes, in US and is acceptable to start a sentence with) now I am right back at square one. Go me! Go regression!
Weigh in today: 120
It's an improvment because I've only been working out for about a week.
So according to calculation, next friday I should be 117.
Breakfast: Cereal & SkimMilk 100 cal
Lunch: 1 cup of Light Soup 100 cal + Cheese Omelette 290 cal
Drink X 2 a 120 cal
Total so far: 730 cal
Thursday, November 11, 2010
Thanks for loving me?
There has been a lot of "fruit actions" in terms of food going on.
I accidentally messed up cooking yesterday too, well, not really, but when I
put certain stuff in my mouth, e.i fish, cucumber, qouina *which I didn't mess up this time,*
it just taste ...weird.
Or the consistency is strange and I feel like I will throw up. Maybe it's my brain
playing tricks on me. But it has resulted in only fruit and low-cal yogurt for dinner these days.
I'm doing okay. Last night I had the BEST sleep of my life. Or at least it felt like it.
I've been exhausted the prior weeks, unable to sleep for certain reasons, so I think I am finally catching up.
Tomorrow is weigh-in. I'd hate to see if I've gained because of the work-outs, muscles weigh more than fat.
But they also burn more calories and is good for my body. As long as I can stick to my work-out routins and diets I am satisfied. I can control. It doesn't control me.
Breakfast: Cereal and skim milk. - 100 cal
Snack: Pear - 50 cal
Lunch: Crisp bread with cheese - 70 cal, Sallad - 50 cal, Miso soup 80 cal, small bowl of Frosties 150 cal
Dinner: Omelette w cheese - 290, Small baked potato - 180, Frozen Veggies - 100
Total = 1070
I accidentally messed up cooking yesterday too, well, not really, but when I
put certain stuff in my mouth, e.i fish, cucumber, qouina *which I didn't mess up this time,*
it just taste ...weird.
Or the consistency is strange and I feel like I will throw up. Maybe it's my brain
playing tricks on me. But it has resulted in only fruit and low-cal yogurt for dinner these days.
I'm doing okay. Last night I had the BEST sleep of my life. Or at least it felt like it.
I've been exhausted the prior weeks, unable to sleep for certain reasons, so I think I am finally catching up.
Tomorrow is weigh-in. I'd hate to see if I've gained because of the work-outs, muscles weigh more than fat.
But they also burn more calories and is good for my body. As long as I can stick to my work-out routins and diets I am satisfied. I can control. It doesn't control me.
Breakfast: Cereal and skim milk. - 100 cal
Snack: Pear - 50 cal
Lunch: Crisp bread with cheese - 70 cal, Sallad - 50 cal, Miso soup 80 cal, small bowl of Frosties 150 cal
Dinner: Omelette w cheese - 290, Small baked potato - 180, Frozen Veggies - 100
Total = 1070
Tuesday, November 9, 2010
Becuase I am a girl?
I am so sleepy today. Also I messed up my dinner, I burnt it. So I resigned to eating fruit and veggies. Sucks.
Cereal +1/2 cup Skim milk = 60 + 45 = 105 kcal
Peach = 50 kcal
Sallad + 1 cheese wedge + Crispbread with cheese wedge + 10 strawberries + Veggie & Qourn =
60 + 35 + 35 + 35 + 40 + 60= 265 kcal
Pear = 50 kcal
Miso soup 80 kcal + half omelette 110 kcal + 2 plums 60 kcal + 20 grapes 80 kcal + yoghurt 100 kcal + crispbread with cheese wedge 70 kcal
Totalt = 970 kcal
Cereal +1/2 cup Skim milk = 60 + 45 = 105 kcal
Peach = 50 kcal
Sallad + 1 cheese wedge + Crispbread with cheese wedge + 10 strawberries + Veggie & Qourn =
60 + 35 + 35 + 35 + 40 + 60= 265 kcal
Pear = 50 kcal
Miso soup 80 kcal + half omelette 110 kcal + 2 plums 60 kcal + 20 grapes 80 kcal + yoghurt 100 kcal + crispbread with cheese wedge 70 kcal
Totalt = 970 kcal
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